Inappropriate Things That Grandma Said

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Today marks one year since my mother-in-law passed away.

I would like to remember some of the more humorous moments we had together. I spent five years as her caregiver after her husband passed away and over that time she said some things that I wrote down because they were inadvertently funny. I post these now not to make fun of her, but in loving memory because I believe in laughter and these things made me laugh.

I hope they bring a smile to your face as well. Rest in peace, mom.

Grandma likes watching the Game Show channel, but she’s not wild about me calling out the correct answers. She said to me, “Well, you’re just a regular suppository of information aren’t you?” Not sure it was a slip of the tongue.

Grandma went to the eye doctor for an exam. She told husband that they had a lot of new equipment and tested her peritoneal vision.

“I talked to the doctor about not being able to sleep, and he told me to get melanoma.”
(She meant the herbal supplement Melatonin, not skin cancer)

“My feet were too swollen to get my shoes on, so I called Macy’s and asked them if they had any thongs. I told them I was bloated and couldn’t get anything else on, and I wanted to run around the house just wearing those.”
“I need a bigger vibrator” (Grandma, pointing to the small foot massager she bought a few days ago)
Grandma says her wrist hurts because.she had carnal funnel surgery.
“Don’t come in through the garage, I’m turning on the flasher.” She did not mean a sexual deviant, she calls her garage door lock “the flasher” because it blinks on and off when set.

“I got a letter saying the company that send out my vibrator juice is changing hands.”
She calls her nebulizer a vibrator because it is a little air pump that vibrates as it turns the “juice” (liquid lung medicine) into an inhaler mist.
Had a very busy day, lots of errands. Called grandma right after noon to schedule a visit and I asked her if she had a good lunch. She said she had a quicky. I didn’t question her, but understood when we walked into the nursing home and the posted menu showed the featured item…quiche!


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