A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”

“Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”

“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.”

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”

“1955, ma’am.”

“Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!”

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to ‘relax’ him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955!”

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, “I hope not, it’s only 2130 now.”

Don’t ya love military time?

Categories: Jokes, Humor

*He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

*She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

*The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

*McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.

*From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and “Jeopardy” comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.

*Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

*Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.

*Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

*He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

*The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

*Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like “Second Tall Man.”

*Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

*The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

*John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

*The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

*His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

*The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.

FROM: Worst analogies from high school essays

Categories: Jokes, Humor