Enter The Laughter

May 3, 2006

Shorts

Random thoughts:

Starting to see news items about hurricane season approaching, and how little progress has been made in the New Orleans and Mississippi Gulf regions.
Immediately following the hurricane, I came up with a solution - all of the ravaged area should be bulldozed, and then every household in the world should mail them a rock. Raise the level of the land a few feet, build seawalls with any spares, was the way I figured it. Think what a great international effort it could be, and how wonderful to see the area rebuilt with contributions from every corner of the earth. No worries about someone’s contribution lining the pockets of a corrupt person, the way financial donations did. No worries about FEMA screwing it up. Heck, if FEMA tried to get involved, the locals could throw their rock at them LOL
I think they’d be farther along than they are now. Want to start a “Mail a rock to the Gulf” campaign? LOL
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Can David Copperfield make David Blaine disappear? Please?
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I am tired of disgusting commercials. Please kill the Lamasil nail fungus monster. I don’t care how. Let the Mucinex snot-man (who looks eerily like Garrison Keillor) beat him to death with the Nasonex bee. For that matter, end all of the commericals for prescription medicines. My physician should tell me what medicine (if any) I need, not a friggin’ ad agency. No wonder health costs are so damned high. Spare me the warnings about erections that last more than four hours, genital herpes outbreaks, or side effects that cause anal bleeding and growing a third nipple.
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To Sprint: (yeah, I’m calling you by name, sticking a Technorati tag on you, going to your corporate blog, sending a postal letter and an e-mail)

~ WAKE UP! ~

It doesn’t matter how many nifty commercials you air, or how many features your phones have.

It doesn’t matter when the free minutes start, or how good your network is.

NONE of that matters if you can’t do customer service, and baby, you can’t. A person who orders a replacement unit should not have to call after ten days, and tell you it didn’t arrive when you said it would, only to be told that the order got lost. They should not have to re-order and wait another ten days. You screwed up - send it overnight express.

The activation should be simple. It should not involve hours of voice mail selections that end up as dead air. The ability to reach a human being should not be next to impossible. God bless that ONE woman in the Trouble Department who knew what she was doing, remained cheerful, and was competent enough to walk me through the 85 complex steps needed to manually activate my phone. Your system wouldn’t allow standard activation for the phone you sent me (after three weeks) because YOUR records showed that it was a Samsung, my original model. But YOU mailed me an LG phone as a replacement.

I was appalled. You should be ashamed.
_ _
The kittens are doing fabulous - more pictures soon. Had a fabulous Tuesday night with the family. Gawd I love House and Boston Legal. (Happy sigh at being blessed with a family to exchange witty banter with LOL)

Peace and joy to everyone

Sprint

Categories: Television, Humor, Cats

Posted by Marti @ 4:25 am | 7 comments

April 26, 2006

Vagina!

I love Tuesday nights. Most weeks I get to have the two youngens who remain at home actually AT home LOL

Once they get to be teenagers, there are so many places for them to go, that we don’t get an evening of family togetherness very often.

But on Tuesday evenings, we manage to corral both of them to watch “House” and “Boston Legal”. Both of these programs are clever and fast-paced, and we have good discussions during the commercials LOL

Last week, Middle Son was gone though, so he missed the shows. During Boston Legal, a female character asked a male colleague how his latest relationship was going. He replied, “It’s not”.

Son turned to me questioningly. So I had about 60 seconds (during the commercials LOL) to explain.

Speaking rapidly, I explained: Last week Brad went out with a new intern who was really pretty and very aggressive. When he asked her if she would like to have dinner, she said, “Sure, and later we can go to my apartment and I will show you my vagina.”

He was taken aback but intrigued. His intrigue soon turned tragic though, as the young lady made frequent references to her vagina, and while he admitted he found “that area” charming and entertaining, the verbalization of the word “vagina” was making him very uncomfortable. So he broke it off. Then he saw Ms. Vagina flirting with a group of other men, and had second thoughts, (as camera pans slowly over her comely form LOL).

He speaks to her and voices his regret, but she (and her vagina) have moved on, and she tells him that his discomfort is his own problem, and that she can’t be involved with a man who can’t even say the word out loud.

Husband had taken the commercial break to use the restroom and was just returning, as I finished the story. I was saying, “So as she is walking away, Brad bites his lip, then shouts (and I shouted to accurately re-tell the tale), “VAGINA!”

This was the precise moment Husband came into the room far enough to hear the conversation. Both of the kids and I were laughing so hard tears were running down our faces. Husband stood there, perplexed but intrigued.

He decided not to ask, smiled and sat down.

He’s so wise.

Categories: Family, Television

Posted by Marti @ 5:41 am | 18 comments

April 18, 2006

Adieu Blues

Howdy peeps! I’m up bright and early today, much to do, much to do LOL

I’m back on the wacky writing wagon. No more BS about what a (insert serious expletive) WordPress is, or how…oh wait, that was so horrible I didn’t even talk about it, so I can’t talk about apologizing for it - LOL

Let’s just throw a big wet blanket apology over all of the last few weeks.

SORRY LOL

This is a long one; can I get ya a sodee?

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Hometown Morons Update:A couple who crafted a hoax about having sextuplets, allegedly to collect thousands of dollars in generous gifts from neighbors and co-workers, are facing up to seven years in prison.Kris and Sarah Everson were charged Friday, April 14, with stealing by deceit, and a judge entered not guilty pleas. Both were released on bond. The Grain Valley couple admitted to police and reporters earlier this week that their story was untrue. They had been telling people that Sarah Everson gave birth in March to six critically ill babies.

They epitomize everything people think of, when the term “ignorant redneck hillbilly” comes to mind. Makes all the rest of us hillbillies feel better about ourselves - LOL!

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TV:On American Idol they have aging musical stars come on and listen to the contestants mangle their music.
Stevie Wonder - behind the scenes everyone whispers, “Don’t tell him he’s fat”.
Kenny Rodgers, who confirms my suspicions of pod people roaming the earth. Psst…hey aliens, you did a Very Bad Replica. Pour him back in the mold and try again.

Saw the commercials for ABC TV remake of The Ten Commandments. Didn’t watch the show…read the book - snicker

Couldn’t stop laughing every time I saw the trailers though. Kept waiting to hear, “Got a condo made of stone-a”.

(Tell me you don’t see a resemblance LOL)

Naveen Andrews (who plays Sayid on “Lost”) as Biblical Menerith

Steve Martin as King Tut

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Family:Middle Son has gotten his ears pierced. Both of them, lest there be any confusion regarding his sexual orientation. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Snicker
Yes, I know in olden days, any man who had pierced ears was thought to be gay. Then the right-ear-pierce was a “signal” you were gay. Then the gay men decided it’d be fun to screw with the rest of the world and started piercing everything LOL We won’t even talk about the black eyeliner “look” Son has adopted. Or the blue hair LOL

Daughter says her I-Pod scares her - LOL She was listening to a song and the I-Pod added a picture from the album cover WITHOUT HER DOING ANYTHING (hysterical emphasis is hers LOL)

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Music:This week’s fave new music is:
All American Rejects “Move Along”
Nickelback “Saving Me”

I can’t link to my illegal downloa …errr, “shared music”…yeah, that’s the ticket. snicker I can’t “share” my music with you, as I did at the old blog, because I am sure that if I tried something that complicated, the WordPress program would climb right out the old floppy disk drive slot and eat me alive, so you’ll have to go find a way to listen to them yourself. Sorry (again LOL).

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This Week’s Peeves:People who are retail establishment driveway impaired. I should write a, “Driveways for Dummies” book. LOL
PEEVE #1 - Center Lane Stupid - Many roadways have a single center lane to turn left into a retail establishment driveway on either side of the road. Some folks enter that lane several blocks before they intend to turn, blocking the path and/or nearly running into (and subsequently scaring the bejesus out of) those of us who are planning on turning left onto the other side of the road, and are properly entering the turn lane just prior to approaching our turn-in. May a pestilence as fierce as chiggers strike them the next time they do it LOL
Then there are places where there are several retail establishments next to one another, each having their own entryway. Stupid Driver pulls into center lane to turn in, realizes it does not lead to the place they wanted to go, so they dart back into the right-hand, main traffic lane, WITHOUT LOOKING TO SEE IF ANYONE ELSE IS THERE. (Hysterical emphasis is mine LOL)

PEEVE #2 - Cell Phone Stupid - People who use their phone while behind the wheel and become so engrossed in conversation they forget where they are and what they are doing. I’d rented a handful of movies, then had to return them to Blockbuster. (Imagine Marti doing the “neener, neener, neener - you can’t charge me late fees” dance) LOL
Tried to turn in, but someone was taking his half of the roadway out of the middle. There was no room to get by, and I chose not to drive up onto the concrete median, just to get into the Blockbuster parking lot. (If it was the Russell Stover outlet store I might have considered it, ‘cause those after-holiday shoppers are brutal and would kill you to get in there for half-price chocolate bunnies LOL).The impaired driver sat there blocking the entrance and gave ME a dirty look as I hovered, awaiting his departure. I hovered longer, then tapped the horn lightly. He glanced over. I waved him out. He shook his head and waved for me to enter. I held my hands up in the air and brought the palms closer together, indicating the squeezing that would be required, then shook my head negatively, indicating that my automobile is not equipped with the ability to become 18 inches wide. He didn’t see all of my motioning response though, as he turned his head away and continued to sit there, waiting for gawd knows what. Middle Son was in the car with me, and getting edgy. He knew what kind of mood I was in after last week, and we were on our way to drop him off at McDonald’s. He said, “I’ll just hop out and run the movies up to the drop-off up there.” I said no and he knew there was gonna be trouble.
I threw the gearshift into park and flung my door open. Serious Expletive Driver was still sitting in his car. His lips were moving. I realized he was talking on a hands-free cell phone device.
(Side note: I really dislike those hands-free models…people walk around in the grocery store and I think they are talking to themselves, which frightens me (LOL) or are talking to me and I look like a jackass when I respond to something they say.)
I slapped his window with my hand, startling him. I genuinely hoped it caused some involuntary body function that would require a change of underwear. He turned his attention to me and I said, “Please stop blocking the entrance,” which I thought was quite polite under the circumstances (since I was actually wishing he was on fire LOL)
He pulled out of the way and I walked back to my car. Son looked relieved that he would not have to bail me out of jail. Again. (Just kidding LOL)

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‘K, ‘nuff babble for one day. Sure was nice to see some of you stopping by that I hadn’t heard from in a while…I missed you too Rhys!

Michelle! How wonderful to see you!

Lots to catch up on from vacation. Be seein’ ya!

Categories: Family, Television, Rants

Posted by Marti @ 10:09 am | 1 comments

April 3, 2006

‘Love Monkey’ finds new life on VH1

Thank you to the anonymous commenter at the old blog who left me the message that VH1 is going to air all eight episodes!

http://msnbc.msn.com/id/12071565/

Sorry for not getting this out earlier - I had a ton of anonymous comments at the old blog, and I just now went through them.

Still trying to figure out everything here at WordPress, still have a killer headache.

If you are psychic, please forgive me for the Very Bad Vibe I am sending out…it’s probably giving you a headache too - LOL

Categories: Television

Posted by Marti @ 12:58 pm | 7 comments

March 21, 2006

The Bad News Is…

The white-death blizzard they predicted for us, which all the school children prayed so fervently for, petered out to nothing more than a couple of slushy puddles.

Had to laugh that all of the local TV stations were worked up into such frenzies, they forced all of the morning news anchors to come in at 4 AM, to report on the massive traffic tie-ups and school closings, none of which happened. So they all look a wee bit irritated.

The trip to the muffler store was loads of laughs. Even better, I get to do it again today.

They had to order a part.

It is going to be expensive.

Naturally, two of the three parts of my exhaust system have been replaced are under warranty. The piece that went bad? (Shakes head slowly side to side)

I learned all of this after slip-sliding through the storm’s worst (predicted to be first, but turned out to be only) droppings from heaven.

Entered muffler store with a light coating of sleet on hair and coat. Shook it off like a golden retriever to see the man at the counter intently focused on a movie on the TV in the vacant waiting room. Announced myself, signed form and settled in to uncomfortable chair. CounterMan said (hesitantly, and with fear and loathing in his voice) “Uh, I can change the channel if you want” (as he gulps with longing look at TV).

I can tell he has been watching the movie, and say “Nah, it’s fine.”

He sighs with relief.

Minions inspect vehicle, report back to CounterMan, who is chuckling at the hijinks in the movie, which I later learned was
“Tomcats”. It included an uncredited (I wonder why? Snicker) appearance by Bill Maher of Real Time on HBO, former host of Politically Incorrect.

CounterMan tells me the bad news. Part will be in tomorrow, parts and labor will be $228. Then he grins. Karma is smiling on me for not changing the channel to Oprah, allowing CounterMan to enjoy raunch and nudity. He says “Just a sec,” and scoots off to back office, returning momentarily with big smile and coupon for $20 off.

I thank him, and head out in the sleet.

Pick up Son at McDonalds. He hears car coming from several blocks away. Wonders why repairs didn’t happen. Explain situation. See his face fall. Take him home, where we assuage our sorrows with chocolate chip cookies.

Ah, panacea of the gods.

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EDIT/UPDATE 6:45 AM Took this picture of light snow falling on daffodils in front yard.