April 22, 2006

Deteriorata

I went in search of inspiration, seein’ as how I’ve had nothing but hardship and bad luck since acquiring the currently ironic domain name, “Enter the Laughter”. It’s been more like “Enter the Torment” LOLBut I am determined to be funny, and by gawd if that means searching through my computer files for long-lost funny, so be it. I didn’t copy the URL of where I found this, but I wouldn’t be able to use the link in here anyway, as that would probably cause WordPress to throw a lightening bolt through the monitor at me LOL

I found this parody, and explanation, which is both amusing and timely to my circumstance.

Of course I won’t follow the advice of the last line, as I am too damn stubborn, and despite my temporary exile to the cesspool of life, I can still smell the flowers on the hill.

Hope it give’s y’all a chuckle.

- - -

Desiderata means those things desired as essential.In 1906, someone named Max Ehrmann wrote a piece of prose entitled “Desiderata”. In the 1971, a TV talk-show host from San Francisco, Les Crane, did the spoken-word parts on a record of the same name.

On the 45 (which is a “record”… precursor to the CD for you youngens LOL), Warner Brothers 7520, the piece was credited to the producer, Fred Werner. The song peaked at #8 in Billboard. The words were also printed up on wall posters.

At the time, it was said that the piece was written in 1692, but that proved to be false. This misconception has been reported to be on account of the words being printed in some book opposite the page of
a photograph of a church identified as built in 1692.
At any rate, National Lampoon did a great parody of it on their album _Radio Dinner_, Banana/Blue Thumb Records BTS-38, 1972. Christopher Guest wrote the parody. The narrator is Norman Rose and the singing is by the then little-known Melissa Manchester. The voice sounds so much like the original and it is delivered with such a straight face, you just have to hear it. For those who haven’t,
here are the lyrics as a substitute. First, the lyrics to “Desiderata” as they were in the song, and then National Lampoon’s version, “Deteriorata”. These are the spoken word parts. In addition, the stanza beginning with “You are a child/fluke…” is sung as a chorus.

” Desiderata” - Les Crane

Desiderata. Desiderata. Desiderata.
Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible without surrender,
Be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly, and listen to others -
Even the dull and ignorant, they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons - they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter,
For always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career - However humble,
It is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
For the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is.

Many persons strive for high ideals,
And everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.

Especially do not feign affection, neither be cynical about love.
For in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
It is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the council of the years,
Gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune,

But do not distress yourself with imaginings -
Many fears are borne of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe.
No less than the trees and the stars,
You have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
No doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life,
Keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be careful. Strive to be happy.

“Deteriorata” - National Lampoon

You are a fluke of the universe. You have no right to be here.
Deteriorata. Deteriorata.

Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.

Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep.
Rotate your tires.

Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,
And heed well their advice, even though they be turkeys.
Know what to kiss, and when.

Consider that two wrongs never make a right, but that three do.
Wherever possible, put people on hold.

Be comforted that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,
and despite the changing fortunes of time,
There is always a big future in computer maintenance.

Remember The Pueblo.
Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle, and mutilate.
Know yourself. If you need help, call the FBI.

Exercise caution in your daily affairs,
Especially with those persons closest to you -
That lemon on your left, for instance.

Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most souls
Would scarcely get your feet wet.

Fall not in love therefore. It will stick to your face.
Gracefully surrender the things of youth: birds,
Clean air, tuna, Taiwan.
And let not the sands of time get in your lunch.

Hire people with hooks.
For a good time, call 555-4311. Ask for Candy.

Take heart in the deepening gloom
That your dog is finally getting enough cheese.

And reflect that whatever fortune may be your lot,
It could only be worse in Milwaukee.

You are a fluke of the universe.
You have no right to be here.
And whether you can hear it or not,
The universe is laughing behind your back.

Therefore, make peace with your god,
Whatever you perceive him to be - hairy thunderer, or cosmic muffin.

With all its hopes, dreams, promises, and urban renewal,
The world continues to deteriorate.

Give up!

Categories: Jokes, Rants

April 20, 2006

Scream

This is me lately.Marti Scream
I messed up our taxes many years ago, resulting in an error that cost us thousands. We have been paying it off a little at a time, then out of the blue, the IRS decided to garnish husband’s wages for the balance. I took the whole mess to a CPA, and she helped out a great deal, even figured out how to fix some of my mistakes so we owed less money. She e-filed and there was supposed to be a large enough refund that IRS wouldn’t have to garnish husband’s wages. But then IRS sent a ton of money to the State of Missouri, which the state didn’t deserve, because her e-file had also corrected mistaken amount they claimed we owed them. Plus we got a bizarre letter from the Treasury Department, which was supposed to explain why they sent Missouri all the money they don’t deserve, but it said “See attachment for explanation” and there was no attachment! LOL

It even stumped the tax lady, and you know you’re in a real pickle when a CPA says, “Damn, I’ve never seen anything like this” LOL

Daughter uses my cell phone in the evenings once the free minutes start, as she has a friend in another state she talks to each evening. Day before yesterday, I picked the phone up and it was dead.  OK, I need to charge the battery, I thought. (Silly me, thinking it would be something so simple LOL) Plugged in the charger…nuttin. No lights, no little happy chiming sound. Took the phone up to place I bought it to replace battery. They put new battery in…nuttin.

“Looks like it’s broken,” I was told.

Swell.

Daughter says it worked fine for her, and denies knowing anything about anything ever LOL

Call phone company, explain phone phone dysfunction. They tell me to spend hundreds of dollars on replacement. I say, “I have insurance.” They say, “Oh, well then it is only $50.”

Double swell.

WordPress is totally screwing me over LOL

I have read the friggin’ codex until I am blue in the face and I still don’t understand it. Yesterday I had posted a message, then when I looked at it, I saw a misspelled word. So I went in to edit it. I changed the misspelled word, but the paragraphs had all run together, and the italic and bold were gone.

So I tried to fix that, and it all went to hell - sometimes whole paragraphs, sometimes just parts of sentences duplicated themselves LOL

So I went in to edit that, and all the formatting was screwed up again. It happened over and over until I deleted the whole damn thing and started over, but the evil was lurking in there somewhere and it did it again! After three hours of trying to post one simple message, I was pulling my hair out and did what I rarely do - I gave up.

So if this post has any misspelled words, forgive me. If I haven’t visited you in ages, forgive me. If I owe you money…Oh! Look over there! (Marti points off in the distance as a distraction, then scurries out the back door…..)

Categories: Family, Rants

April 18, 2006

Damn

I am just about ready to go back to Blogger.

 This thing is driving me insane.  It refuses to do bold or italic where I tell it to, and it seems to just randomly decide when to do what I ask it to.  I see a mistake so I go back to fix it and it screws up more, and it ends up with a string of HTML so long I get some sort of damn “Memory stack” error.

 

Grrr……

Please just ignore the hideously screwed up formatting, and the comments that got lost as I tried to fix the previous  post.

 

 

Categories: Blogging, Rants

Adieu Blues

Howdy peeps! I’m up bright and early today, much to do, much to do LOL

I’m back on the wacky writing wagon. No more BS about what a (insert serious expletive) WordPress is, or how…oh wait, that was so horrible I didn’t even talk about it, so I can’t talk about apologizing for it - LOL

Let’s just throw a big wet blanket apology over all of the last few weeks.

SORRY LOL

This is a long one; can I get ya a sodee?

- - -

Hometown Morons Update:A couple who crafted a hoax about having sextuplets, allegedly to collect thousands of dollars in generous gifts from neighbors and co-workers, are facing up to seven years in prison.Kris and Sarah Everson were charged Friday, April 14, with stealing by deceit, and a judge entered not guilty pleas. Both were released on bond. The Grain Valley couple admitted to police and reporters earlier this week that their story was untrue. They had been telling people that Sarah Everson gave birth in March to six critically ill babies.

They epitomize everything people think of, when the term “ignorant redneck hillbilly” comes to mind. Makes all the rest of us hillbillies feel better about ourselves - LOL!

- - -

TV:On American Idol they have aging musical stars come on and listen to the contestants mangle their music.
Stevie Wonder - behind the scenes everyone whispers, “Don’t tell him he’s fat”.
Kenny Rodgers, who confirms my suspicions of pod people roaming the earth. Psst…hey aliens, you did a Very Bad Replica. Pour him back in the mold and try again.

Saw the commercials for ABC TV remake of The Ten Commandments. Didn’t watch the show…read the book - snicker

Couldn’t stop laughing every time I saw the trailers though. Kept waiting to hear, “Got a condo made of stone-a”.

(Tell me you don’t see a resemblance LOL)

Naveen Andrews (who plays Sayid on “Lost”) as Biblical Menerith

 

Steve Martin as King Tut

- - -

Family:Middle Son has gotten his ears pierced. Both of them, lest there be any confusion regarding his sexual orientation. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Snicker
Yes, I know in olden days, any man who had pierced ears was thought to be gay. Then the right-ear-pierce was a “signal” you were gay. Then the gay men decided it’d be fun to screw with the rest of the world and started piercing everything LOL We won’t even talk about the black eyeliner “look” Son has adopted. Or the blue hair LOL

Daughter says her I-Pod scares her - LOL She was listening to a song and the I-Pod added a picture from the album cover WITHOUT HER DOING ANYTHING (hysterical emphasis is hers LOL)

- - -

Music:This week’s fave new music is:
All American Rejects “Move Along”
Nickelback “Saving Me”

I can’t link to my illegal downloa …errr, “shared music”…yeah, that’s the ticket. snicker I can’t “share” my music with you, as I did at the old blog, because I am sure that if I tried something that complicated, the WordPress program would climb right out the old floppy disk drive slot and eat me alive, so you’ll have to go find a way to listen to them yourself. Sorry (again LOL).

- - -

This Week’s Peeves:People who are retail establishment driveway impaired. I should write a, “Driveways for Dummies” book. LOL
PEEVE #1 - Center Lane Stupid - Many roadways have a single center lane to turn left into a retail establishment driveway on either side of the road. Some folks enter that lane several blocks before they intend to turn, blocking the path and/or nearly running into (and subsequently scaring the bejesus out of) those of us who are planning on turning left onto the other side of the road, and are properly entering the turn lane just prior to approaching our turn-in. May a pestilence as fierce as chiggers strike them the next time they do it LOL
Then there are places where there are several retail establishments next to one another, each having their own entryway. Stupid Driver pulls into center lane to turn in, realizes it does not lead to the place they wanted to go, so they dart back into the right-hand, main traffic lane, WITHOUT LOOKING TO SEE IF ANYONE ELSE IS THERE. (Hysterical emphasis is mine LOL)

PEEVE #2 - Cell Phone Stupid - People who use their phone while behind the wheel and become so engrossed in conversation they forget where they are and what they are doing. I’d rented a handful of movies, then had to return them to Blockbuster. (Imagine Marti doing the “neener, neener, neener - you can’t charge me late fees” dance) LOL
Tried to turn in, but someone was taking his half of the roadway out of the middle. There was no room to get by, and I chose not to drive up onto the concrete median, just to get into the Blockbuster parking lot. (If it was the Russell Stover outlet store I might have considered it, ‘cause those after-holiday shoppers are brutal and would kill you to get in there for half-price chocolate bunnies LOL).The impaired driver sat there blocking the entrance and gave ME a dirty look as I hovered, awaiting his departure. I hovered longer, then tapped the horn lightly. He glanced over. I waved him out. He shook his head and waved for me to enter. I held my hands up in the air and brought the palms closer together, indicating the squeezing that would be required, then shook my head negatively, indicating that my automobile is not equipped with the ability to become 18 inches wide. He didn’t see all of my motioning response though, as he turned his head away and continued to sit there, waiting for gawd knows what. Middle Son was in the car with me, and getting edgy. He knew what kind of mood I was in after last week, and we were on our way to drop him off at McDonald’s. He said, “I’ll just hop out and run the movies up to the drop-off up there.” I said no and he knew there was gonna be trouble.
I threw the gearshift into park and flung my door open. Serious Expletive Driver was still sitting in his car. His lips were moving. I realized he was talking on a hands-free cell phone device.
(Side note: I really dislike those hands-free models…people walk around in the grocery store and I think they are talking to themselves, which frightens me (LOL) or are talking to me and I look like a jackass when I respond to something they say.)
I slapped his window with my hand, startling him. I genuinely hoped it caused some involuntary body function that would require a change of underwear. He turned his attention to me and I said, “Please stop blocking the entrance,” which I thought was quite polite under the circumstances (since I was actually wishing he was on fire LOL)
He pulled out of the way and I walked back to my car. Son looked relieved that he would not have to bail me out of jail. Again. (Just kidding LOL)

- - -

‘K, ‘nuff babble for one day. Sure was nice to see some of you stopping by that I hadn’t heard from in a while…I missed you too Rhys!

Michelle! How wonderful to see you!

Lots to catch up on from vacation. Be seein’ ya!

Categories: Family, Television, Rants

April 12, 2006

Antique Easter Card

Easter Greeting
- - - - - - - -
Like this week hadn’t had quite enough suckage (LOL)
Now my town is humiliated by these morons.
AND the newspaper I write for fell for it.
(Thanks guys, and I was going to list you on the book cover LOL)
(Insert Homer Simpson forehead smack)

Categories: Special Days, Rants

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