A couple of years ago, I did a blog post called “Nascar Oscar” and it was a lot of fun, so I decided to do one for this year. Enjoy!

MIKE THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: We’re here at the 80th annual Academy Awards. We missed last year, on account of Jeff here havin’ an unfortunate “incident” at Daytona in 2007.

JEFF THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: {{shudders at memory of the college student who offered him some “E” which he misheard as “tea” and cheerfully popped into his mouth with a hearty, “Thanks buddy! I usually drink Luzianne but I’ll try your concentrate!”}}

MIKE THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: ((spots Regis Philbin approaching}} Hey lookie, Jeff! It’s the Lucky Charms Leprechaun!

JEFF THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: ((has momentary flashback of hallucinations from 2007, then spots Marion Cotillard and quakes in terror}} Oh gawd, Mike! Is that an albino mermaid?

MIKE THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: Calm down Jeff. Hey, there’s Mickey Rooney - I thought he was dead!

JEFF THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: Ain’t he still on Sixty Minutes?

MIKE THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: And there’s Jack Nicholson!

JEFF THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: Aww, poor fella, wearin’ them big ol’ sunglasses. I didn’t realize he’d gone blind. I guess they wouldn’t let his seein’ eye dog in with him.

MIKE THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: It’s great to see John Wayne and Bob Hope again, wonder what they been up to?

JEFF THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: Ack! A bee! {{begins swatting wildly at the air}}

MIKE THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: {{Sees clip of Jarvier Bardem, in No Country for Old Men}} Day-um, that’s the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.

JEFF THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: {{Sees Tilda Swinton}} That poor red-haired gal musta got mugged on the way over here, somebody done stole the sleeve right off her dress.

MIKE THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: There’s that cute little gal that works at the Pie Hole.

JEFF THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: They keep sayin’ “There Will Be No Old Men” Is that a jab at John McCain?

MIKE THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: I dunno, Jeff, I think the commies are takin’ over everything! There ain’t no Americans winnin nothin’!

JEFF THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: Hell yeah! They even got Indiana Jones wearin’ earrings! What is the world comin’ to?

MIKE THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: {{Sees the Coen Brothers going onstage for third time}} Wasn’t them fellers just there?

JEFF THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: {{Shudders again at thought of flashbacks}} I don’t feel so good, Mike, can we go home?

MIKE THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: Yeah Jeff, let’s get outta here. Folks keep sayin’ “Juno” and I keep tellin’ ‘em, “No, I DON’T know, now leave me alone”.

Categories: Humor, Movies

MIKE THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: Here we are at the 78th annual Academy Awards. How’s the field looking, Jeff?
JEFF THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: Mike, we’re hearin’ a lot of good things about this here “Brokeback Mountain” movie. From what I can tell, it’s a western.

MIKE THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: I like westerns. Go Brokeback Mountain!
(Nearby group of set designers remove earbuds of their Ipods, all of which are playing “It’s Raining Men” smile appreciatively, and shout back “You GO girl!”)
JEFF THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: (Looks around) Uh, they must be talkin’ to them gals behind us.

MIKE THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: The host tonight is Jon Stewart.
JEFF THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: Is he related to Tony Stewart?
I got his autograph back when he picked up the Nextel Cup.

MIKE THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: Here’s the first award - George Clooney.
JEFF THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: He ain’t no Rosemary, damn that woman could sing.

MIKE THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: Aw hail, now we’re at the middle of the pack. I’m gonna go have me a chaw.
JEFF THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: You got some chewin’ tabacky?

MIKE THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: Well, I was backstage and I heard this fella a-snufflin’, like he had a bad cold. I was gonna give him my handkerchief, but when I walked over to him, he said, “Want some coke?” I told him I’m more of a Pepsi man. He laughed real hard, and tossed me this here tin. (Opens container.) It’s all white and powdery. Maybe they gots the tabacky mold out here. Lemme put a pinch ‘tween my cheek and gum…..
JEFF THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: Gimme some o’ that too.

MIKE THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: (Upon seeing Ben Stiller) Who the hail is that feller in the green long-johns?
JEFF THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: Got me, Mike. Is it gettin’ warm in here?

MIKE THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: There’s Dolly! Damn that is one F-I-N-E piece o’ womanhood. Look at them headlights!
JEFF THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: Whoa, Mike, we saw Jennifer Garner slide a bit on the straightaway there.

MIKE THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: But lookie! Them cute little penguin birds won! And they’re all walkin’ up on the stage! There must be hundreds of ‘em…no, I think I’m just seein’ double…damn that moldy tabacky packs a punch, huh?
JEFF THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: Aw right June Carter won! (Loosens collar, sweating profusely)

MIKE THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: There’s Colonel Sanders from Kentucky Fried Chicken!
JEFF THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: Naw, that’s Robert Altman. He must be dyin’, they’s givin’ him the lifetime award.

MIKE THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER:Woo-hoo! It’s Crash!!
JEFF THE NASCAR ANNOUNCER: That’s what they come for, Mike, that’s what they come for. Where’d them fellers we seen outside go? I feel like dancin’!

Categories: Humor, Movies