Enter the Laughter, novelist Marti Lawrence author, humor columnist

Author and Blogger, Marti Lawrence

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  • 7 ways to screw up your life by Marti Lawrence
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Sixty

Posted By on July 31, 2013

I am officially old.

I turned sixty a couple of days ago and things have been sliding downhill like an avalanche.

First up was the 4th of July. We live in an unincorporated area (no city limits) so it is legal to set off anything smaller than an ICBM out here, any hour of the day or night. I used to find it amusing, now I complain like an old woman about “those durned kids and their noisemakers!”

Yup, I’m old.

Then it got hot. Real hot. I used to enjoy summer, now it is just sweat season. Flop sweats like a drug addict. God, I WISH I had some drugs, at least I would have a reason besides being ancient for looking like someone turned a hose on me. Oh how I wish someone would turn the hose on me.

Along came my birthday – the big six-oh. We have a tradition of getting Chinese food on my birthday but this year, it turned on me like a rabid monkey. I should have known things were not going to go well when the food clerk was surly. Like Soup Nazi surly. I asked if they could split the rice portion into half plain, half fried, which they’ve always done when I ordered in the past.

“NO!”

Ummm, OK. Yikes. Then she asked if I wanted egg roll or crab rangoon, another surprise since the dinner used to include both. “I don’t get both?”

“NO!”

Double yikes.

So I took both covered containers, filled with all fried rice, a single egg roll and a bag containing separately purchased crab rangoons and headed home.

It was awful.

The crab rangoons had the tiniest portion of cream cheese/crab meat mixture that can be measured by humans, surrounded by fried-to-the-chewiness-of-drywall wrappers. The vegetables had the consistency and flavor of slugs. That wasn’t the worst of it though, because before long came the abdominal distress. (Trying to be polite here.) Let’s just say I have empathy for Al Roker now (if that confuses you, Google the term “shart.”)

Oh Lord, the rumbling and grumbling from our intestinal tracts was louder than the fireworks on the 4th of July.

Ah, but in the middle of it all – between the war zone explosions and the bad Chinese food, our eldest son got married. And it was fabulous. His new bride is an amazing woman who loves to laugh as much as I do. My son, who has investigated our genealogy to discover deep Irish roots, decided to wear an Irish kilt for his marriage. So of course everyone wondered….was he wearing anything under his tartan skirt? Which led to this most wonderful wedding photo of all time.

Eric Lawrence in his wedding kilt

Photo Credit: Captured Moments Photography

Inappropriate Things That Grandma Said

Posted By on July 2, 2013

Today marks one year since my mother-in-law passed away.

Mother-in-law

I would like to remember some of the more humorous moments we had together. I spent five years as her caregiver after her husband passed away and over that time she said some things that I wrote down because they were inadvertently funny. I post these now not to make fun of her, but in loving memory because I believe in laughter and these things made me laugh.

I hope they bring a smile to your face as well. Rest in peace, mom.
———————————————–
Grandma likes watching the Game Show channel, but she’s not wild about me calling out the correct answers. She said to me, “Well, you’re just a regular suppository of information aren’t you?” Not sure it was a slip of the tongue.

———————————————–
Grandma went to the eye doctor for an exam. She told husband that they had a lot of new equipment and tested her peritoneal vision.

———————————————–
“I talked to the doctor about not being able to sleep, and he told me to get melanoma.”
(She meant the herbal supplement Melatonin, not skin cancer)

———————————————–
“My feet were too swollen to get my shoes on, so I called Macy’s and asked them if they had any thongs. I told them I was bloated and couldn’t get anything else on, and I wanted to run around the house just wearing those.”

———————————————–
“I need a bigger vibrator” (Grandma, pointing to the small foot massager she bought a few days ago)
———————————————–
Grandma says her wrist hurts because.she had carnal funnel surgery.

———————————————–
“Don’t come in through the garage, I’m turning on the flasher.” She did not mean a sexual deviant, she calls her garage door lock “the flasher” because it blinks on and off when set.

———————————————–
“I got a letter saying the company that send out my vibrator juice is changing hands.”
She calls her nebulizer a vibrator because it is a little air pump that vibrates as it turns the “juice” (liquid lung medicine) into an inhaler mist.

———————————————–
Had a very busy day, lots of errands. Called grandma right after noon to schedule a visit and I asked her if she had a good lunch. She said she had a quicky. I didn’t question her, but understood when we walked into the nursing home and the posted menu showed the featured item…quiche!

Never Choke In a Southern Restaurant

Posted By on June 29, 2013

Hillbilly

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. After ordering their cornbread and beans, they talk about the latest addition to their junkyard business. Suddenly a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says “Kin ya swaller?”

The woman shakes her head no.

“Kin ya breathe?”

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, “Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver,’ but I ain’t never seen nobody do it.”

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Lorem Ipsum is simply dummy text of the printing and typesetting industry. Lorem Ipsum has been the industry's standard dummy...

Lorem Ipsum is simply dummy text of the printing and typesetting industry. Lorem Ipsum has been the industry's standard dummy...