Onions In My Underpants

Posted By on August 5, 2008

The road to recovery from a stroke can be rough at times, especially if you have onions in your underpants.

Let me explain….

Husband has been out of the hospital for seven weeks now. He returned to work last week. I want to thank all of you for your thoughts and prayers, it really helped us through this very difficult time.

Part of his therapy is to walk every day. He is doing very well – when he was discharged he was in a wheelchair, then progressed to a walker, and is now using a cane. A very spiffy cane, that looks just like the one on “House” with flame decals on it.

Dr. House flame decal cane

We go to a city park with a nice walking trail to exercise and strengthen his leg. Sometimes we take a sandwich to eat before beginning our hike around the lake.

The sandwich we took one day was on an onion bun, with lots of onion bits on top. After we ate, I made a quick trip to the park potty because we’d also taken a big jug of water, and it’s a long walk. I’d left Husband sitting in the car in the sun so I was hurrying. I noticed onion bits on my T shirt as I was relieving myself, but since I was in a hurry, I just brushed them off as I sat there, then pulled my pants up and scurried out.

We started our walk on the trail around the small lake, and I noticed a peculiar feeling in my nether regions. But I was holding Husband’s “assist” belt, a big webbed belt he has to wear around his chest for someone (me) to hold onto in case he stumbles, so I couldn’t just hike back to the restroom. The farther we walked, the more uncomfortable it became, and by the time we got back to the car, my hoo-ha felt like it was on fire. Tears were streaming down my face.

I dashed back into the bathroom and yanked my panties down. The crotch was full of onion bits. Worst of all, they were wedged into my unmentionable places. Never before have I wished that a park restroom had a bidet, but that day I did.

Let me tell you, if you think onions near your eyes make you cry….


About The Author

I'm a humor columnist writing about bad luck, being a klutz, cars that hate me, having kids, life and love. Style of writing is like a cross between Erma Bombeck and Dave Barry LOL


28 Responses to “Onions In My Underpants”

  1. threecollie says:

    Marti, Thanks so much for dropping by today. It was good to hear from you.
    I admire you a bunch for hanging on to your sense of humor these days and I am glad things are improving at least somewhat for you folks.
    We’ll be thinking of you while we watch out for errant onions.

  2. Thank you for sharing this…I think. (You weirdo!)

  3. The funniest things happen to you… it’s a good thing you’ve got such a sense of humor!

  4. LAZY says:

    I’m crying too… only from laughter!!! I am glad that your husband is doing better though. From now on just yell; “Please HOLD THE ONIONS on that bun!” ~ jb///

  5. Mahala says:

    I shall never look at an onion the same way again. 🙂

  6. You mean you made your hoo-ha cry? I gotta see this….Wait a minute: No I don’t.

  7. Oza Meilleur says:

    Hey Marti,

    Glad your husband is feeling better.
    With a gal like you around,
    who wouldn’t?!!

    Big hugs and lots of LOVE,
    Mudd a.k.a. Oza

    P.S.: Beautiful site you have here. And if I’m not mistaken, there’s a little note that says you recently had a birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

  8. That’s great news about your husband going back to work! After reading about your poor hoo-ha, I’ll be very careful the next time I eat anything with onion bits or seeds. Ouch!

  9. Miss Britt says:


    Oh man. Too funny. Not fashionable, but funny.

  10. Hale McKay says:

    I just learned of your husband’s heart attack over at Miss Cellania.

    I am both sorry to hear that and relieved that to learn that he is on the road to recovery.

    That’s what I get for ignoring my blogroll – really ignoring my blogroll.

    My work hours have increased and it includes a half day on Saturdays. Also I have been posting short stories. (The current one has been running 31 weeks so far.) Also I have picked up the pencil once again and have been posting old and new original cartoons.

    Since I was late to offer my prayers before his recovery – I will pledge them for his continued good health and to you as well.

  11. Hale McKay says:

    And oh yeah – It’s at your expense of course, but my side was hurting from laughing at your ‘onions in the pants” saga.

    Perhaps they were those sweet onions? You know … a Vidalia Vagina !

    After that low blow – I’m outta here!

  12. Pam Coon says:

    First…Happy Belated Birthday! I hope you had a fantastic day!!! I am so glad hubby is getting better, and I bet he is too! What a fashion statement to two of you are…he has flames on his cane and you have flames in your hoo-ha.
    Only you Marti, only you!
    Take care

  13. I am laughing so hard at the phrase “onions in my hoo-ha”!

  14. Sprite says:

    OMG! You poor thing! Yes, it’s funny .. but not to your hoohaa. And, it’s your birhtday? HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Ms OnionPants. (bet you never look at onions quite the same way!) *hugs*

  15. Marti,

    Thanks for the laugh! And for the critical lesson nothing to get onion bits near my hoo-ha!

    I’m glad your hubby is recovering well and that you’ve retained your sense of humour. Hugs.

  16. GeekMommy says:

    Is that an onion in your underwear? or are you just happy to see me? 🙂

    Seriously. Loved this. Made me laugh hard.

    That said – my bit of related advice: do not touch the dried red chili peppers on the wall of the restaurant that have hung there for more than 10 years, then go use the WC without washing your hands first.
    Onions may take half a park to discover… 10 yr old chili oil on the fingers takes approximately .002 seconds!!! :{

  17. Marti…Thanks for checking out my blog and the compliments. 🙂

    Now I’m clearly looking at your blog (love it) and learning a bit about you. Sorry to learn of your hubby’s stroke. With the “House” pic posted, I’m sincerely hoping his docs are nothing like the “House” doc…Hugh Laurie one of my fav actors, but his character = a tad unlikeable.

    Glad to know “People” has perhaps brought you a bit of joy during the challenging times.

    I’m still waiting for this week’s issue!!! I was forced to go purchase “Us Weekly” to see what’s up with TomKat and get my celeb gossip fix.

    See you on Twitter –
    Cynthia aka GoodEnoughWitch

  18. Heather says:

    You know what an onion and George Clooney’s butt have in common? Both bring tears to your eyes.

    Or something like that.

    Sending well wishes for you and your hubby. Sounds like his recovery is coming along great.

  19. AmyD says:

    OMG – Only you Marti! LOL Only you!

  20. Marti, Marti, Marti–only you, dear! I’m cracking up!

  21. so, next time be careful when you take a leek giggle

  22. wil says:

    Ouch! Sort of like the day I rubbed Atomic Balm instead of jock itch cream on my nether regions…

    Glad the old man is coming along — soon he’ll be up to his old tricks! 😉

  23. Boomer Chick says:

    ROFLMAO…never had onions in the pants before…thanks for telling us what it’s like, Marti! haha…

  24. TarotByArwen says:


    At least they weren’t jalapenos?

    This was a howl to read as well as insightful into the day to day of what you do!

  25. Just so’s you know, I’ve shared your onion undies story with some other ladies and got a BIG laugh…

  26. Todd Jordan says:

    Oh my gosh! I have no idea but don’t want to find out. LOL. This made me smile and laugh. Great story.

  27. Marti says:

    Thank you all so much for stopping by! This has been a difficult time in our life and it helps me so much to share funny moments with my friends!

  28. Christa says:


    I nearly peed in my pants laughing when I saw the title for this blog post and as I read, I visualized you trying to dislodge onion bits from your “hoo ha”. Sounds like you’ve had some very trying times lately but keeping your sense of humor in tact, even if but for a few moments, will help carry you and your family (and your readers) through.

    Best wishes for you to keep giggling!

    Christa @ http://www.giggleon.com

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