August 19, 2008

Stupid Morning

I hope your day is going better than mine, which has been a pain in the….hand.

Up before the crack of dawn, Husband and I load ourselves into the car. I unlatch the keys from the hook on my purse and promptly drop them. They fall under the passenger seat.

A smart person would get out, walk around and open the passenger door and reach under the seat to retrieve them. Plenty of room, even with someone in the seat.

I…am not a smart person.

I chose to squeeze my hand into the narrow space between the console and the seat. Was a little difficult but I felt the keys and grasped them.

Then I tried to pull my hand out.

Nope, it wasn’t happenin’.

I thought, “OK, if I fling the keys forward, I can flatten my hand out and remove it.”

Ha.

Keys flung, hand still stuck.

I realize that it is Husband’s weight on the seat that is pressing my now-turning-blue appendage so snugly that it prevents proper pullage. (I know that’s not a word, just go with me here).

So I asked him to raise up. Not easy for a man who suffered a stroke three months ago. His raisage (I know, I know) was intense, but brief. But in the spirit of freeing his damsel in distress, he repeated the effort. He lifted himself up multiple times. (My hero!)

Finally on the third or fourth bounce, I was able to pull my hand free. Skinned my knuckles a little bit, but got my hand out, retrieved the keys and started the car.

Thank gawd we don’t have any neighbors who could have seen us, me bent over, him bouncing up and down…..

:-)

Cheers to all!

Categories: Family, Humor, cars

Posted by Marti @ 9:16 am | 11 comments

August 5, 2008

Onions In My Underpants

The road to recovery from a stroke can be rough at times, especially if you have onions in your underpants.

Let me explain….

Husband has been out of the hospital for seven weeks now. He returned to work last week. I want to thank all of you for your thoughts and prayers, it really helped us through this very difficult time.

Part of his therapy is to walk every day. He is doing very well - when he was discharged he was in a wheelchair, then progressed to a walker, and is now using a cane. A very spiffy cane, that looks just like the one on “House” with flame decals on it.

Dr. House flame decal cane

We go to a city park with a nice walking trail to exercise and strengthen his leg. Sometimes we take a sandwich to eat before beginning our hike around the lake.

The sandwich we took one day was on an onion bun, with lots of onion bits on top. After we ate, I made a quick trip to the park potty because we’d also taken a big jug of water, and it’s a long walk. I’d left Husband sitting in the car in the sun so I was hurrying. I noticed onion bits on my T shirt as I was relieving myself, but since I was in a hurry, I just brushed them off as I sat there, then pulled my pants up and scurried out.

We started our walk on the trail around the small lake, and I noticed a peculiar feeling in my nether regions. But I was holding Husband’s “assist” belt, a big webbed belt he has to wear around his chest for someone (me) to hold onto in case he stumbles, so I couldn’t just hike back to the restroom. The farther we walked, the more uncomfortable it became, and by the time we got back to the car, my hoo-ha felt like it was on fire. Tears were streaming down my face.

I dashed back into the bathroom and yanked my panties down. The crotch was full of onion bits. Worst of all, they were wedged into my unmentionable places. Never before have I wished that a park restroom had a bidet, but that day I did.

Let me tell you, if you think onions near your eyes make you cry….

:-)

Categories: Family, Humor

Posted by Marti @ 7:24 am | 28 comments