The time comes in all of our lives when we must face one of life’s greatest terrors. The DMV.
Yes, it’s been a month plus a couple of days since we acquired the pumpkin PT, and the big black magic marker date on the temporary license sticker screamed the news that it was expired to the entire world (including the police officers who are now directing traffic in front of the seriously overcrowded high school that Daughter attends).
I’m a pretty ballsy broad, but I don’t have it in me to flaunt myself like Brittney Spears, shoving my surplus in people’s faces (especially cops).
So the DMV trip had to be made.
Fall is a popular festival season here in Missouri, and while I love autumn I am not feeling real festive when I have to pay hundreds of dollars in sales taxes and buy license plates. Unfortunately, there are times when worlds collide, and yesterday things went supernova.
I headed for the DMV. I noticed a lot of hot rods and model T’s on the road. I saw people carrying folding chairs and picnic baskets. I heard the PA system blaring, “Here’s To You, Mister Way Too Much Cologne Wearer Guy {{Cue Budweiser theme music}} “
I smelled kettle corn and and saw booths selling velvet paintings. Then I saw the true horror - floats lining up. Nothn’ will put the fear of God into you like a flatbed trailer decked out with eight miles of crepe paper and a dozen clowns (I don’t like clowns, they creep me out)
Plus they were all between me and the DMV.
I tried circling around the edge of town, to mount a frontal assault. Actually an assault on the back of the building, but saying I was about to mount an assault on the rear would only inspire uncontrolled giggling, so I won’t say that. *snicker*
Unfortunately, all of the streets for several blocks around City hall were barricaded, and were being patrolled by officials in shiny lime green vests, which looked clownish enough to raise my heart rate. Shiny-green-vest-guy approached my car as I inched up the street. With fear and loathing in my heart I cautiously rolled the window down. I explained that I needed to purchase license plates and waved the packet of paperwork in his direction, hoping it contained enough magical powers to dissuade him from slaughtering me with his clipboard.
The hex worked, and he told me I could go around the barricade to get to the DMV parking lot. Then he handed me a shiny green parking pass.
A pass that was good for 20 minutes. TWENTY MINUTES. Have you ever gotten in and out of a DMV in 20 minutes? I couldn’t do that if I was on fire.
Fortunately, the proud and the brave who made it into City Hall were few. The line was shorter than I’d ever seen, and foolishly, I became hopeful. Duh on me.
The dealership has assured me that all of the paperwork I would need was in the packet. It was not.
The clerk uttered the dreaded words, “Where’s your inspection?”
So I had to leave. Back past shiny-vest-guy, who requested his pass back. Back past the float-clowns (shudder) Back to the dealership to get a copy of the inspection.
Then…back to hell (Hell is filled with velvet paintings and a PA system screaming Budweiser commercials but there is no beer) Back to shiny-vest-guy who gave me another pass, but looked at me suspiciously. I’m reasonably sure he remembered me and will send a pack of float-clowns to murder me in some horrible clown-like way. Back inside the DMV, with the scent of bratwurst and the blast of bad country music violating all of my senses.
At last it was done! I snuck out of the parking lot and kept (yes KEPT,’cause I’m such an outlaw - lol) the temporary parking pass, because I knew that this would make it onto the blog.
Posted by Marti @ 
How funny! We got our cars about the same time, right? I just have to brag that I live in a small town, and I did get my tag in less than 20 minutes! Love your stories, Marti!
September 15th, 2007 at 1:17 pm
Great story Marty - DMVs must be universal. All I can add from my experience is getting to the front of the line after 1 hour, only to have tbheir computers go down for 2 days! Thanks for sharing - Geno
September 15th, 2007 at 1:38 pm
It sounds to me like you were in the middle of a parade emergency. Don’t you keep a few rolls of crepe paper in your glove compartment for such emergencies?
Psshhh…I am sure you failed the glove compartment with the lack of streamers. You probably have unimportant things in there like proof of insurance and a flashlight.
Your stories always make me laugh, and who hasn’t been in that never ending line at the DMV and felt your pain!
Ann
September 15th, 2007 at 1:41 pm
Marti,
You have a real talent for great storytelling. Thanks for the laughs!
Doug
September 15th, 2007 at 1:58 pm
Spewing a fruit smoothie through my nose is a new sensation–perhaps I should’t be reading a humor blog while doing so.
Thanks for the delight.
September 15th, 2007 at 2:27 pm
Marti,
Thanks for reminding me of the small town parades from my youth. We moved from the city to a small town when I was 10. What a thrill to be in the little league parade!
What a pain it was to the drivers from the city on there way to the beach and had to sit and watch the Jr High School band and Little League “floats” (actually decorated pick-ups) pass by…
September 15th, 2007 at 3:13 pm
Dear Marti,
Your humorous insight into daily routines remind me of one of my favorite authors, Erma Bombeck. My grandmother had many of her books, and I read them when I visited her…(to pass the time waiting for the cute boy next door to come home).
Even on “Twitter”, if you aren’t there, “Twitter doesn’t Twinkle” because your fun spirit is missing.
There is always a welcoming smile here in your words, which I believe without a doubt, improves the day of your readers!
Thank you for the laughter.
September 15th, 2007 at 4:34 pm
You are so Funny! I have the DMV on the top of my list and i’ve skipped it all last week and started with the second or third on the list.
You’ve made me laugh and now I can go there and bust up laughing while I watch the clock!
September 15th, 2007 at 6:33 pm
This is why I love the DMV online. It makes me happy to know I avoided all those horrible lines and helped make everyone else’s trip to the DMV a bit easier by my absence.
Congratulations on making it through in one piece!
September 15th, 2007 at 6:44 pm
Gotta say, I am a city dweller and usualy manage to time my DMV visits well enough that I don’t have to wait more than 20 minutes. Of course I didn’t have the horror of trying to get past a parade. My secret fear is Shriners… seriously do they need to ride around on those mini bikes like that?
Great story. Too bad I am going to have to report you to the temporary parking pass authorities. I am sure jail won’t be so bad for you.
Brendajos
September 15th, 2007 at 10:14 pm
; )
September 16th, 2007 at 7:30 am
I bet the guy in the shiny lime green vest reads your blog. (:
September 16th, 2007 at 10:45 am
Hey — what happened to my sign?
mmmmmhmmmmmmm!!! It was da lady in the pumpkin…
September 16th, 2007 at 10:47 am
The DMV is evil.
September 16th, 2007 at 11:36 am
[…] admin wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerptI’ma pretty ballsy broad, but I don’t have it in me to flaunt myself like Brittney Spears, shoving my surplus in people’s faces (especially cops). So the DMV trip had to be made. Fall is a popular festival season here in Missouri, … […]
September 16th, 2007 at 11:59 am
Where the hell are the pictures of the clowns. We all love clowns, don’t we?
September 16th, 2007 at 6:27 pm
Pumpkin colored PT and a parade.
Why the heck weren’t you IN the parade?
September 16th, 2007 at 7:24 pm
btw, not that I’m in a whiny mood or anything, but the font on your blog is smaller than the fine print on my prescription information inserts.
What, so are all your readers s’posed to used magnyfiers? Eh? Some of us are OLD and wear bifocals, ya know. Not that they help unless my face is 6 inches from the screen, which it isn’t, ever.
September 16th, 2007 at 7:27 pm
So finally the yet-to-be-named pumpkin PT cruiser is legal. Yay!
September 17th, 2007 at 9:55 am
You paint quite a picture Marti. I can actually smell the kettle corn now…
September 17th, 2007 at 10:58 am
Clowns are evil. That movie “Killer Clowns from Outer Space”? Based on a true story.
September 17th, 2007 at 5:35 pm
Cinderella’s carriage is legal, Yay.
Happy anniversary BTW.
September 21st, 2007 at 7:06 pm