Mark your calendar with the multitude of new holidays to celebrate. Here’s just a few of to get you started…

The Day the Music Died Day: February 3
Write a sappy song about an important cultural tragedy that will annoy bar patrons for generations.

National Jingoism & Violence Day: February 4
Collect a group of two dozen or so well trained men assigned to represent your city or region. Face off against another such group of well-trained men. Beat the living sh*t out of each other. (aka Superbowl Sunday)

Bitterness Day: February 24
Ten days have passed since Valentine’s Day, so there is no chance the red-heart card was slow in arriving. No one loves you. Go get roaring drunk.

Reverse Cowgirl Day: March 3
Honoring a woman’s right to choose positions. (Formerly Women’s Suffrage Day)

Hale-Bopp Day: March 22
Remember 1997? Best year EVAR? Well, things won’t be that good until 4380, so your cult will have to wait for its next mass suicide.

International 420 Day: April 20
Dude!

Mission Accomplished Day: May 1
Celebrate the United States'’ quick and clean victory in Iraq.

Jim Belushi Day: June 15
Hire your brother to do something he’s not qualified to do. (aka National Nepotism Day)

Mike Tyson Day: June 30
Threaten to eat someone’s children while feasting on delicious elephant ear pastries.

Los Alamos Day: July 16
Celebrate the first ever nuclear explosion near Alamogordo in 1945 by blowing some sh*t up. (aka Trinity Day, Oppenheimer Day, I Am Become Death Day)

Self-Love Day: July 26
Enjoy the company of the person you love best in the recesses of your favorite public place. May we suggest Barnes & Noble? (aka Paul Reubens Day, Pee Wee’s Play Day)

Adult Swim Day: September 2
Skip work, get high and watch Space Ghost until you pass out.

National Accessory Day: September 14
In appreciation of the belt, the hat, the handbag and, most importantly, the scarf. It was on this day in 1927 that famed modern dancer Isadora Duncan’s scarf sealed its importance in the annals of history by wrapping itself around the axel of a car and broke its owner’s neck.

Seat Belt Remembrance Day: September 30
What better way to celebrate the life (and, more specifically, death) of legendary actor and motor enthusiast James Dean, than with a holiday remembering seat belts?

Ted Haggard’s Gay Republican Day: November 1
Purchase recreational drugs from your favorite same-sex prostitute, but don’t pay for intercourse. That would be hypocritical.

Mutilated Nipple Day: November 4
Legend has it that this holiday originated way back in 2004 when actress Tara Reid bravely unleashed her mangled areola upon a pack of ravenous paparazzi and saved the world from something or other.

The Clinton/Lewinsky Blowjob Joke Appreciation Day: November 15
On this day, stand-up comedians and late-night talk show hosts around the nation celebrate the greatest gift that was ever given unto them.

Autoerotic Asphyxiation Day: November 22
Things to do today: fashion yourself a festive Asphyxophilia Noose, masturbate, and listen to Inx’s “Kick” twenty-two times on repeat. (aka Michael Hutchence Memorial Day)

Britney Beaver Day: November 27
Today, innocent girls all around the world flash their junk.

Entropy Day: December 30
Holy sh*t! Did another f**king year come and go already?

Categories: Humor