I have just returned from battle - the Ornament Wars.
I was among the hardy souls standing at the door of the Hallmark store, watching through the plate glass as the “50% off” signs went up all over the store. We eyed one another warily, sizing up the competition.
We were battle ready…comfortable shoes, loose clothing, credit cards drawn (overdrawn in some cases).
Mental notes to self:
“Watch that one, she’s checking an eBay price list tucked in her breast pocket”
“That one is arthritic - I can take her”
“A man - he looks scared. But the woman with him is offering erotic encouragement. ‘Get me Winnie the Pooh, and the honey pot is yours tonight,’ she whispers. He swells with renewed vigor (snicker)
The door was flung open and we attacked! Patton’s assault on Palermo was no less fierce.
“Grab the Celebration Barbie,” cried out a Five Star Grandmother to her more fleet-of-foot aide de camp (granddaughter). Alas, the inexperienced child fell by the wayside, as the hardened troops advanced.
I was on a mission. I had spotted a lone Star Trek Enterprise, tucked behind the multiple Mickey Mouses. I wrestled my way to it, growling at honey-pot man. His hand continued to move toward it, but I tossed a Pooh high in the air and he made a diving catch, worthy of a Super Bowl receiver.
I clutched my treasure while skirmishes continued to be waged.
“That’s MY Tweety!” snarled a Sergeant Shopper.
“I need to reload! Get me an empty basket!” shouted a foot soldier.
I made my way to the front lines…the checkout. Only 30 minutes in and the infantry was already hollow-eyed. Their fingers bloodied from paper cuts, they grimly bagged the spoils of war.
I glanced back at the battlefield, ravaged and barren. I sallied forth, my plundered hoard nestled near my bosom and sighed, glad to have survived to fight another day. Look out dollar store, I’ve got you in my site!
Categories: Humor
Posted by Marti @ 
This had me laughing my ass off!!
December 26th, 2006 at 3:09 pm
LMAO! I’ll be glad when the stores are safe again.
December 27th, 2006 at 12:31 am
You can keep your honey pot, I’m not goin’ into one of those war zones.
December 27th, 2006 at 4:43 am
Hehe, you had me laughing. This post reminds me of the letters I used to send to my parents. My life was boring, so I used to jazz it up by using real storytelling. They loved it.
I’m so glad you won your prize. Happy New Year.
December 28th, 2006 at 12:40 am
ROTFLOL - That is hilarious!!!! You are my shopping hero, I’ve never been brazen enough to attempt to wage the war of the after holiday sales.
December 28th, 2006 at 12:07 pm
LOL, it will be weeks before I’m brave enough to visit any kind of store again!
December 28th, 2006 at 2:46 pm
LOL - that was a riot! It reminds me of the mayhem that took place years ago over the Cabbabge Patch dolls fever! It was like the great land rushes in the 1800s.
December 29th, 2006 at 9:40 pm
I never thought you to be one of the few, the brave, the Day After Christmas Shoppers.
Semper Buy! Boo-yah!
December 30th, 2006 at 5:17 pm
I am disappointed…..I was sure you were going to end the bit getting kicked out of the store, banned for life or something, for back handing the grandma…..
December 30th, 2006 at 7:08 pm
hahaha! i could already picture the scene in my mind! happy new year, marti!
December 31st, 2006 at 9:04 am