I have ugly feet.

Really ugly. Scare small children ugly. Cause blindness in extreme cases ugly.

Fugly Feet.

fugly:
ADJECTIVE: Inflected forms: fug·li·er, fug·li·est
Vulgar Slang - Very ugly.
ETYMOLOGY: Shortening of f*cking ugly.

My second toes are longer than my big toes. My little toes are misshapen triangles, having spent their entire lives trying to hide under the toe they are next to.

Both feet have multiple scars. Some are from breaking both ankles twice. The first time, when I was six, I broke them at the same time. Boy, wasn’t THAT a fun summer - LOL

Third and fourth times around were spaced apart, but each break required surgical repair, resulting in several metal objects being implanted to stabilize the multiple fractures. This left each ankle with three scars, on the front and both sides, and made getting through airport security as much fun as having a passport that says my name is Marti al-Zawahri - LOL

Some are from going barefoot every summer since I was born. By mid-July, I can walk over gravel and hot asphalt. If only there was big money in such a talent - LOL

I’ve dropped things on them. Lots of things. Heavy things. Sharp things.

Then there are the things that go bump in the night.

That’s always me…smashing into a chair leg, a door I thought was open, or an errant vampire (Vampires hate being startled by having a klutz bump into them in the middle of the night LOL)

So?

So yesterday was Friday the 13th.

Despite the wretched luck I’ve had all my life, I am not an extremely superstitious person. Oh sure, I would exercise the normal amount of caution - not opening an umbrella under mirrored horseshoes, but nothing truly foolish LOL

Until I put on my shoes. Why, oh why (she cried out in hind-sighted anguish) didn’t I shake them? I almost ALWAYS shake my shoes out before putting them on, after hearing Husband’s tale of his time in the tropics, when he slipped his foot into a shoe that was occupied by a scorpion.

But alas, yesterday, I did not. And inside the shoe was a spider. And not the itsy-bitsy spider that climbs up the waterspout, but a big, mean pissed-off brown recluse, which attacked my big toe, upon its intrusion into Spidey’s hideout.

I felt the sting of the bite and yanked the shoe off, as a large red welt instantly appeared atop my toe. I shook out the shoe, and Spidey went a-runnin’. Briefly. Then said shoe met Spidey, rather forcefully, and Spidey went to that great web in the sky.

Because we live in the woods, I’ve been bitten by many a brown recluse, and only required medical attention the first dozen times or so, until I built up sufficient immunity. By now, I imagine I am toxic to them LOL

And so, I spent the rest of the day shoeless and swollen. There is great improvement today, and the welt has reduced to a small, blistery bump. Like all brown recluse bites, it will leave a sunken divot in the skin. One more bit-o-ugly. LOL

The moral of this story is:
It may be fun to shake your booty, but if you don’t want swollen toes, shake your shoes.

Categories: Humor