November 29, 2005

Black Friday Cyber Monday Tuckered Tuesday

Did everyone have a good Thanksgiving?

Ours was pretty good. Not perfect, ‘cause we’re not the Cleavers - LOL

I ended up buying a fresh turkey, ‘cause I didn’t get to the grocery store in time for a frozen one to thaw. Thursday I started cooking and when Middle Son wandered through the kitchen he said, “I hope you got plenty of cranberry sauce.” A little piece of me died. I had forgotten to buy any at all!

He is the only one that eats it. I threw my hand over my mouth in horror and he had the saddest, most hurt look on his face. I admitted to forgetting, and told him that Walmart was open, and he could run up and get some. He stared at me as if I’d just said, “your puppy died”. I apologized, washed my hands, went to the bathroom and bawled my eyes out. I felt like the worst mother in the universe.

He came in and said it was OK, and I blubbered, “No iz snot”. (No it’s not) He said he knew I’d been real busy. I was still crying and apologizing and blubbering about snot. He said he’d go get some. I mumbled, swallowed, sniffled “OK ” and sniffled some more. He drove up and bought some.

That was the low point of the day. Everything else turned out pretty good.

That should make all the rest of you look like Martha Stewart/Mother Teresa/Superman. LOL

Husband returned to work Friday, kids were both off. I got up at 3 AM to prepare for the Black Friday sales. Later in the day I heard news reports that retail sales nationally were off, but it sure wasn’t that way around here. I went to Target, Kohl’s and the Mall, and every one of them had parking lots that were COMPLETELY full. Cars were parked clear out to the street and the streets leading up to them had enormous traffic jams. And this was at 5 AM! The sales at those places didn’t even start until 6! Once I got inside, I saw people pushing shopping carts that were overflowing. I didn’t find all that much, but I did get a CD and matching T-shirt that was on Middle Son’s birthday list at a good price, plus Sam Goody had a free CD giveaway so they plopped a Mickey Mouse bonus CD in my bag.

I mean a real Mickey Mouse one - “Disney Christmas favorites”. I listed it on E-Bay - LOL

Middle Son wanted a car CD player that could play the MP3 CD’s he records (an MP3 CD can hold a hundred songs!) I’d scoped them out at consumer report sites so I knew the Sony had the best price/feature ratio. Circuit City had it on sale, plus their Black Friday deal was free professional installation (supposedly a $65 value) So I ordered it online with option to pick it up at the store. When I got there and picked it up, I wanted to verify that the installation didn’t have to be done that day. Nobody knew. I spent an hour going round and round with customer service, auto electronics clerks and finally the boys in the shop-garage themselves, making them WRITE ME A NOTE LOL

I said, “Look, the reason I bought this here, was because of the free installation. But his birthday is Sunday, so I can’t get it installed today. I want a guarantee that I can bring it in next week and not be charged!” I was still all worked up over the cranberry sauce incident and must have had a death ray look in my eyes, because those 20-something wussies in the garage caved and wrote me a friggin’ note, promising to install it at no charge!

Saturday I prepared several E-Bay auctions and scheduled them to start on Sunday, since Husband’s brother and his wife had invited us to come over for “open house”.

Daughter had said she wanted her highlights retouched, but she didn’t like the frosting cap that pulls little bits of hair through, so I bought a “hairpainting” kit for her, and a box of goo for me to retouch my roots. Sunday morning we had a goo-a-thon and did our hair. LOL

Sunday morning I got all the birthday stuff ready. Since he is all into the “goth” thing, I wanted to wrap his gifts in black. Well, nobody makes black wrapping paper. I was pacing back and forth in the gift wrap aisle, and I spotted a black plastic tablecloth. It was 54″ X 108″ so I figured that would be big enough. I got some holographic silver sparkle bows and ribbons, and some poinsettia plants to take over to the open house. Middle Son was very pleased with his gifts. Had chocolate cake. KC Chiefs won their football game.

I’d gotten some little cheap toys (a super bounce ball, a slinky and a necklace with a rubber pendant that lights up and flashes when you squeeze it) and put them in a Santa bag for the three little kids in attendance at the open house. They were a big hit with the kids, less so with the worried homeowner chasing after the errant superball - LOL. Middle Son wore a Santa hat and gave them to the wide-eyed children. It was a pretty funny scene…him with his dyed-blue-black hair, all black clothes, pants covered with chains and studs, ankle-length Matrix trenchcoat - and the red Santa hat LOL

Gave them their poinsettias, ate some turkey sandwiches, had a pleasant visit for a few hours and headed home.

There were some pretty severe storms all around. Just north of us there were a couple of tornadoes, really freaky for this time of year.

Yesterday was Cyber Monday and I did indeed do some online shopping. My lips are sealed though. Not that I’m good at keeping a secret, I just ate a peanut butter sandwich - LOL Also got the gift installation taken care of. Yes indeed, at no charge - LOL

So today, I am tuckered out. I need a nap, but instead, I will be delivering the lad to McDonald’s, breaking the ice on the cats’ water bowl (very cold here and spitting snow) and sculpting another styrofoam cathouse. (Crowd scratches their collective heads and mumble questioningly LOL)

That’s a tale for another time. Gotta warm up the car (with new CD player) and head into town.

Happy Tuckered Tuesday to all!

Categories: Special Days, Family, Humor

Posted by Marti @ 10:24 am | 5 comments

November 23, 2005

THE FLYING TURKEY

The turkey shot out of the oven,
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table,
and partly demolished a chair.
It ricocheted into a corner,
and burst with a deafening boom,
then splattered all over the kitchen,
completely obscuring the room.

It stuck to the walls and the windows,
it totally coated the floor,
there was turkey attached to the ceiling,
where there’d never been turkey before.
It blanketed every appliance,
it smeared every saucer and bowl,
there wasn’t a way I could stop it,
that turkey was out of control.

I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure,
and thought with chagrin as I mopped,
that I’d never again stuff a turkey,
with popcorn that hadn’t been popped.

Warm Thanksgiving Wishes to All!

Categories: Jokes

Posted by Marti @ 9:50 am | 13 comments

November 20, 2005

Bonzai Bondini

I did a stupid thing.

(Regular readers go “Duh” LOL)

Naturally, I was in a hurry. It was time to drive Daughter to school. I’d gone outside, fed the cats, started the car so the heater and defroster could “get busy” and heat things up (ah young love LOL)

I nearly froze my rose.

It was r-e-a-l-l-y cold.

I advised Daughter to bundle up, and I went in search of additional garments. I found a big fuzzy hoody that seemed perfect. I pulled it on over my head.

Without taking my eyeglasses off.

This was a stupid thing.

**POP** Snap goes the earpiece.

The hoody slipped over my body, taking the left earpiece with it. Daughter arrived in the room, tapping her foot and saying, “C’mon Mom.”

I mumble, “juzamin” because the hoody is now halfway off, and I am speaking through it, while searching the interior for the missing part.

I find the piece but there is no time for repairs. I slip the one-armed wonder on my face, and it perches precariously, somewhat monocle-like.

I could have ordered replacement eyeglass frames, but I am a big ol’ cheapskate - LOL When I return home, I attempt repair. Without the aid of the vision-enhancing lens, this will be difficult, but don’t think I didn’t learn my lesson from the Great Glue Debacle of Aught 2, when similar circumstances ended badly with an earpiece glued to my hair.

I assembled all of the materials on the computer desk in front of me. I did a dry test run to ascertain the correct placement (let’s not discuss the Upside Down Glue Repair Disaster of ’98).

I pulled out my trusty Bondini.
(Disclaimer: I am not an employee or paid endorsement spokesperson for this product)

Bondini is fabulous. It is the best super glue ever made. I love it. I should own stock.

It will stick ANYTHING. It comes in a wonderful little bottle that delivers every single drop.

None of those icky-sticky tubes that the cap sticks to but nothing else will, for this gal.

I opened the container, double checked the placement, and placed the single, magnificent drop.

Pressing the two parts together, I waited. There was a knock at the door.

We don’t get many knockers. We are far out in the woods and even farther off the road through the woods. The only people who know we are here are mail carriers, tow truck drivers and die-hard Jehovah’s Witnesses.

It was the die-hards.

No, I really don’t want a copy of the Watch Tower, I am quite happy as a Satan worshipper.

Could I interest YOU in this lovely gilded pentagram? Only $2.99 or two for $5…whaddya say?
Where are you going? (That one always works LOL)

I’d set the repair job down on the edge of the table to answer the door. Gravity, the tights-and-cape-wearing-superhero “Enforcer for the Laws of Nature,” was having sport with me that morning, and had lightly bumped the earpiece, dislodging it from the repair position and into the trash can next to the desk. I retrieved the earpiece, which now had barnacle-like attachments of lint, hair and paper towels. I chip off the offending bits, (rather like chiseling granite) frustrated at the failure of my first attempt.

I began again and in my haste, did a very foolish thing. I broke the first rule of Glue Club. We don’t leave the glue bottle uncapped.

I’d made sure the materials were assembled, run the placement test, but failed the critical step of re-capping.

After the magic drop was applied and the seal was formed, I again delicately placed the repair-in-progress back on the desk to dry, and smugly reached for my coffee cup, knocking over the uncapped bottle and creating a Keyboard Kamikaze Attack.

ACK! Danger, danger! Don’t spill the coffee! Don’t bump the repair! Grab the bottle and turn it upright! Replace the cap; don’t stick your fingers together! Turn the keyboard upside down to prevent a pandemic of stickage! NO! Don’t flip it over on your lap to drain - how will you explain preparing Thanksgiving dinner while having a keyboard glued to your thighs?

It could have been worse. I ended up with a good repair (still holding - knock on wood), half a bottle of Bondini left, no coffee spilled, and only one key glued down (I don’t even know what “Pause/Break” does, so no big loss there LOL)

In the Panoply of Accidents, this was minor. That is one of the many things I express gratitude this week for.

I send all of you best wishes for a glorious week. May you share the joy of family and friends, and give thanks for all that you have.

That’s my plan!

Categories: Humor

Posted by Marti @ 12:05 pm | 7 comments

November 16, 2005

Turkey Time Trader

Thanksgiving is coming, and I get nostalgic, remembering my misspent youth.

Ah, the stories. LOL

I’ve had a love affair with narrative my entire life. I’ve been devouring the written word like a ravenous wolf ever since I was able to comprehend the combinations of letters that form them. I craved stringing them together into stories like most kids crave candy. I craved candy too, but I craved the words even more.

This led me, as a savvy 5 year-old, to bribe my cousin into trading me a coloring book for a piece of candy. It was a circus peanut, which I despised anyway.

Of course I pretended it was the greatest candy ever invented for the purpose of my ploy.

Every holiday was a pilgrimage to Grandma’s, for all of her clan. My grandmother set all of us pre-schoolers in her bedroom with a bag of “goodies,” to keep us out from underfoot. As soon as she was out of sight, the rougher youngsters would yank the bag away and take the prize pickin’s.

By the time it got to me there was half of a blue crayon and a smashed orange circus peanut left in the sack.

I pulled them out and surveyed the other youngsters, smugly chewing on Bazooka Joe and Bit-O-Honey, or thumbing through a coloring book. I wanted that book.

I was not a good colorer. But it was a book. It was ripe to make up stories about. I could see the outline of a bird on the back, and already my mind was inventing great adventures for the feathered creature.

I plotted.

I held the circus peanut in my hand like a Fabergé egg, admiring it, cooing over its delectability.

I thought I was brilliant, not having read any of Twain’s works. Sure enough, the coloring book owner took an interest in my interest, and tried to snatch it from me. I’d been bamboozled by that trick on Memorial Day, and jerked away, as protective of my treasure as a mother bear.

Frustrated but wary, remembering the spanking that followed the Memorial Day theft, the cousin negotiated. “Wanna trade?”

I must have been a Moroccan street vendor in a previous life, as I had an innate understanding of the art of the deal. I examined the circus peanut, then the stub of blue wax, appraising their value, and at last, agreed to the exchange.

Coloring book in hand, I slipped quickly into the kitchen to sit under the table, watching the womenfolk’s feet scurry by, preparing for the big meal. I knew the instant the circus peanut was eaten, the value of the barter would be realized and my life would be in peril. But protected by the fortress of chromium kitchenette chair legs and scurrying female relatives, I felt secure.

I opened the book delicately, and invented magnificent mental tales for every picture.

I’ve been doing so ever since.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Still crazy-busy around here. We got our first snowfall yesterday, but none of it stayed. First hard freeze last night; wind chill this morning was 14 degrees Fahrenheit. {{SHIVER LOL}}

I still have much to do to the house to seal out old man winter, but I missed all of you, so I had to pop in.

I hope this finds all of you happy and well. I will try to get around to stopping by and visiting you sometime soon. Until then, peace be with you.
Marti

Categories: Writing, Humor

Posted by Marti @ 9:05 am | 20 comments

November 13, 2005

COLD COMFORT

Busy week ahead, need to put up storm windows and handle other winter preparations, so I leave you for a few days with these chilly chuckles.







===An annotated Thermometer by Don Haugen ===

+60 F (+15 C) Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one in their wardrobe!).

+50 F (+10 C) Miami residents turn on the heat.

+40 F (+5 C) You can see your breath. Californians shiver uncontrollably. Minnesotans go swimming.

+35 F (+2 C) Italian cars don’t start.

+32 F (0 C) Water freezes.

+30 F (-1 C) You plan your vacation to Australia. Minnesotans put on t-shirts. Politicians begin to worry about the homeless. English cars don’t start.

+25 F (-4 C) Boston water freezes. Californians weep pitiably. Minnesotans eat ice cream. Canadians go swimming.

+20 F (-7 C) You can hear your breath. Politicians begin to talk about the homeless. New York City water freezes. Miami residents plan vacations further south.

+15 F (-10 C) French cars don’t start. You plan a vacation in Mexico. Your cat insists on sleeping in bed with you.

+10 F (-12 C) Too cold to ski. You need jumper cables to get the car going.

+5 F (-15 C) You plan your vacation in Houston. American cars don’t start.

+0 F (-18 C) Alaskans put on t-shirts. Too cold to skate.

-10 F (-23 C). German cars don’t start. Eyes freeze shut when you blink.

-15 F (-26 C) You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo. Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects. Miami residents cease to exist.

-20 F (-30 C) Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you. Politicians actually do something about the homeless. Minnesotans shovel snow off roof. Japanese cars don’t start.

-25 F (-32 C) Too cold to think. You need jumper cables to get the driver going.

-30 F (-34 C) You plan a two-week hot bath. Swedish cars don’t start.

-40 F (-40 C) Californians disappear. Minnesotans button top button. Canadians put on sweaters. Your car helps you plan your trip south.

-50 F (-46 C) Congressional hot air freezes. Alaskans close the bathroom window.

-80 F (-62 C) Hell freezes over. Polar bears move south.

-90 F (-68 C) Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.

Categories: Jokes

Posted by Marti @ 4:40 pm | 8 comments
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