October 31, 2005

Happy Halloween!

Thanks to everyone who left great stories or links in the comments section!

I’ve had a few e-mail replies to my request for Halloween stories:

Sandy sent this photo:
It’s a yard here in St. Louis and I think that what they did was so cute. I call it Ghost Dancers or Seven Sheets to the Wind. (I love her sense of humor!)

*****

Mary Ann sent this photo:

LOL! Thanks to both friends!

*****

I left a comment at Shel Isreal’s blog, “Naked Conversations” and he was kind enough to respond personally, despite his busy schedule, co-writing with Robert Scoble of Microsoft. I asked him if he had a story he could share and he replied:

I am sorry, but I really am against book-related deadlines and don’t have time to scan my childhood for a juicy anecdote. The quickest that comes to mind is when I wound up in the hospital after running headlong (or neck-long) into a clothesline that served as a karate chop to my throat. Why? Because someone was chasing me after I waxed his window for refusing to give me any treats.
-Shel


I wrote back and thanked him, and he replied:

When I think of clotheslines, I get all choked up.
-Shel

LOL! Thanks Shel!

******************
A couple of jokes:

A little boy is dressed as a pirate captain for Halloween. He knocks on the door of a house and a lady answers.

She says “Well, well little boy, what are you supposed to be?”

He says “I am a pirate captain”.

She says “Well–where are your buccaneers?”

He says “Right here under my buckin’ hat.”

*****

As we all prepare for the upcoming Halloween night, please take a few minutes to read some simple rules to help keep everyone safe.

1. - Don’t assume the telephone calls are coming from another house.

2. - When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it’s really dead.

3. - Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

4. - Don’t go into the basement to check the power when the lights go out!

5. - If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else’s voice.

6. - When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER split up and go it alone.

7. - Don’t have sex. Especially if you’ve noticed a few of your friends are missing!

8. - As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open a portal to Hell.

9. - Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.

10. - If you’re searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it’s just the cat, don’t stand there sighing with relief, GET THE HELL OUT!

11. - If appliances start operating by themselves, don’t check for short circuits; JUST GET OUT!

12. - Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.

13. - If you find a town which looks deserted, there’s probably a good reason for it. Don’t stop and look around.

14. - Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you’re doing.

15. - If you’re running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely ambling along, it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

16. - If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.

17. - Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

18. - If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange because you thought you had at least half of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and will most likely be eaten.

19. - Beware of strangers bearing strange tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.

20. - If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house.

*****
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Categories: Special Days, Friends

October 28, 2005

Halloween Memories

Memories…like the corners of my mind (which means they are full of cobwebs and old books LOL)

What is the first Halloween you can remember? The most extraordinary?

Please share your stories!

You can leave them here in the comments, or post them on your own blog and send me a link. If you don’t have a blog, e-mail your story to me and I will add it here.

The earliest Halloween that I can recall was age 3 - I was a ghost. We were at my grandmother’s house. She took a white pillowcase and slipped it over me, and marked where my eyeballs and shoulders were, then pulled it off and cut little circles out for me to see through, and holes for me to poke my arms through.

I thought I was da bomb - LOL

We walked up her street to a few houses, me carrying my costume’s pillowcase mate to collect treats in. I harbored visions of filling it up, as tall as myself, and having enough sweets to gorge on forever.

This was in the glory days of Halloween, before poison and razor blade scares, when little old ladies spent days preparing homemade candy, cookies and popcorn balls.

Oh the joy of a homemade popcorn ball! The really cool old ladies colored the caramel-marshmallow gooiness that held the glob together with gallons of food dye, so that when I returned home and ate it, getting it all over my hands and face, I became the color of the popcorn ball. I was one of hundreds of happy children who were purple until Thanksgiving.

The most extraordinary? Well certainly having Bradley the Brat pee on my costume ranks right up there, but for happy memories I’d have to say about ten years ago. All three kids were still living at home, and I was helping at the PTA Carnival.

I sewed pirate costumes for the entire family (such a domestic diva LOL) from yards and yards of red and white striped fabric. Daughter and I wore skirts with jagged zig-zag bottoms, white puffy blouses, red kerchiefs around our necks and lots of gaudy jewelry. All of the males wore red bandanas, white puffy shirts, and pants and vests made from the same material, also cut with zig-zig bottoms.

I wore an exotic feathered half-mask and black fishnet stocking (which Papa Pirate really liked, but that’s a whole ‘nuther story LOL)

We went to the high school gymnasium and I ran the three-card monty game.

Just kidding…I ran several different innocent little carnival games, like the cakewalk, and pick-a-rubber-ducky, win-a-prize.

Eldest Son won the coolest prize, (not at my booth) - a Sprite soda pop bottle (that I still have) which had the neck heated and stretched.

There was a moonwalk, 25 cent hot dogs, lots of adults and kids in costumes, and I could abuse my power as a parent volunteer, and give my children tickets to anything they wanted to do - LOL

It was one of the best nights of my life (and Papa Pirate’s LOL)

So that’s mine. Please! Share your stories!

Categories: Special Days, Humor

October 26, 2005

MORE COSTUME HUMOR

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn’t know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief
will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a
pirate.

Very truly yours,

Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk’s habit. The long robe will cover your
wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

Very truly yours,

Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the company and another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over
your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel
apple.

Very truly yours,

Acme Costume Co

Categories: Jokes

October 24, 2005

Halloween Mistakes

Only one week left! You may be getting desperate for Halloween ideas, but please avoid these options: (the first one is from me playing with PhotoShop, the rest are from Google)

The Invisible Pedestrian (original concept courtesy of Dan Akroyd, on an old SNL skit)

Editing note: I have removed “The Littlest Hooker” after some complaints and concerns that it promoted pedophilia. This was not my intent. It was just a joke.


Clowning Around

If you are an adult, (this page is FOR adults only) please use caution to avoid these tragic costuming errors.

(tee-hee!)

Categories: Jokes

October 22, 2005

REFRESHMENTS

{{Hat tip to Jodi, one of my E-Bay customers, for sending this to me}}

Sisters Mary Catherine, Maria Theresa, Katherine Marie, Rose Frances, & Mary Kathleen left the Convent on a trip to St. Patrick’s Cathedral in New York City and were sight-seeing on a Tuesday in July.

It was hot and humid in town and their traditional garb was making them very uncomfortable. They decided to stop in at Patty McGuire’s Pub for a cold soft drink.

Patty had recently added some special legs to his barstools, which were the talk of the fashionable eastside neighborhood.

All five Nuns sat up at the bar and were enjoying their Cokes when Monsignor Riley entered the bar through the front door with Father McGinty.

They were shocked and almost fainted at what they saw.

SCROLL DOWN……….

Categories: Jokes

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