Author and Blogger, Marti Lawrence

Ebooks by Marti Lawrence available through Amazon

  • River of Possibilities, ebook, Kindle. novel by Marti Lawrence
  • 7 ways to screw up your life by Marti Lawrence
  • humor, klutz, Queen Klutz, Marti Lawrence, Ebook

Wi Fi Foe Fum

Posted By on March 26, 2014

I smell the blood of an angry mom.

The gremlins got me. The little boogers attacked the device that delivers the internet through some sort of magic that I do not fully understand. The device got hot. Not in a good “Oh that’s hawt” kind of way, but in a “WARNING! BATTERY CRITICAL!” kind of way.

Then it died.

Wi-Fi Network Name

We use the internet a lot. There are youngsters who game on it, oldsters who read news on it and me, who pays the bills, orders medications and maintains her sanity by chatting with her friends on it.

Then it was gone.

The device is ancient in tech-years. Any device is outdated almost as soon as you take it out of the box, and our device was unboxed years ago. Were it a person it would be gray-haired,using a cane and wearing Depends. This meant it was not a simple replacement. But if we didn’t replace it with a similar device, our current plan would be lost and we would be thrown in to the hellish situation of data limits.

So we ordered a hard-to-find replacement. And waited. We were sad. We were angry. We pretty much went through the seven stages of grief.

1. SHOCK & DENIAL
I picked the device up at least a thousand times. Tried removing the battery and plugging it back in until my fingers bled. “It will work this time. Surely it will work,” I told myself. It did not.

2. PAIN & GUILT
WHY ME? Did I mistreat the device? Did it grow weary of such constant use? Could I have polished it or bought it a new cord to keep it happy?

3. ANGER & BARGAINING
Dammit, work you GDMFSOB! Please?

4. DEPRESSION, REFLECTION, LONELINESS
It’s never going to work. I will die here and no one will know because I have lost all connection with the outside world. I am alone.

5. THE UPWARD TURN
Say, there’s that book I’ve been meaning to read. Hey, it’s kind of nice to just watch the TV without feeling like I need to share my thoughts on Twitter or Facebook.

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH
OK, it’s not the end of the universe. Nobody died.

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE
The store called, the replacement will be here soon. I’m going to live! As God is my witness I will blog again!

Mother Nature is Angry

Posted By on February 28, 2014

Man, I am so tired of winter. I think Mother Nature hates all of us humans and is trying to kill us.

Blizzards to the east of me, drought to the west of me and I’m stuck here in the middle with ewwww. (Icky weather). Yes, we are forecast to get snow, sleet and freezing foulness raining from the sky this weekend.

Again.

How cold is it where you are? Here’s a guide:

+60 F (+15 C) Californians put on sweaters.

+50 F (+10 C) Miami residents turn on the heat.

+40 F (+5 C) You can see your breath. Californians shiver uncontrollably. Minnesotans go swimming.

+35 F (+2 C) Italian cars don’t start.

+32 F (0 C) Water freezes.

+30 F (-1 C) You plan your vacation to Australia. Minnesotans put on t-shirts. Politicians begin to worry about the homeless. English cars don’t start.

+25 F (-4 C) Boston water freezes. Californians weep pitiably. Minnesotans eat ice cream. Canadians go swimming.

+20 F (-7 C) You can hear your breath. Politicians begin to talk about the homeless. New York City water freezes. Miami residents plan vacations further south.

+15 F (-10 C) French cars don’t start. You plan a vacation in Mexico. Your cat insists on sleeping in bed with you.

+10 F (-12 C) Too cold to ski. You need jumper cables to get the car going.

+5 F (-15 C) You plan your vacation in Houston. American cars don’t start.

+0 F (-18 C) Alaskans put on t-shirts. Too cold to skate.

-10 F (-23 C). German cars don’t start. Eyes freeze shut when you blink.

-15 F (-26 C) You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo. Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects. Miami residents cease to exist.

-20 F (-30 C) Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you. Politicians actually do something about the homeless. Minnesotans shovel snow off roof. Japanese cars don’t start.

-25 F (-32 C) Too cold to think. You need jumper cables to get the driver going.

-30 F (-34 C) You plan a two-week hot bath. The Great Lakes freeze. Swedish cars don’t start.

-40 F (-40 C) Californians disappear. Minnesotans button top button. Canadians put on sweaters. Your car helps you plan your trip south.

-50 F (-46 C) Congressional hot air freezes. Alaskans close the bathroom window

-80 F (-62 C) Hell freezes over. Polar bears move south.

-90 F (-68 C) Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.

I don’t know if humans are causing this, but I remember this old commercial warning us that it’s not nice to fool around with Mother Nature.

New Year Rocking Chair Eve

Posted By on January 3, 2014

Happy New Year 2014

Nothing like a new year to renew the senses…including the sense that I am old.

We watched the annual TV special that is still named after Dick Clark, despite him being dead. I guess that is a true legacy, to have Jenny McCarthy and Ryan Seacrest telling us on a program that carries your name, that it’s cold outside. I was actually hoping someone would dare Miley Cyrus to lick a flagpole with her ever-present tongue. Alas, no one did.

I didn’t know many of the musical acts – again, because I am old. The ones I do recognize look ancient. Billy Joel looks like a damned bridge troll. The Fray sang “How to Save a Life” which should come in handy at the retirement home they appear to be ready for.

The greatest affront to us old folks who live in the middle of the country had to be the lack of the ball drop though. In past years, it was broadcast at midnight local time. We knew it had already happened, but it was still exciting to watch. This year, the network acted like there is east coast and west coast and a black hole in betwixt though, and there was no ball drop at midnight local time. We got Fergie, who is a lovely lady but she’s no ball drop.

I leave you with my journal from last year ~grin~

A Blonde’s Year in Review:

January – Took new scarf back to store…… it was much too tight.
February – Fired from pharmacy job for failing to attach labels…… bottles won’t fit in printer!
March – Really got excited….. finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months….. the box said “2-4 years”!
April – Trapped on escalator for hours….. power went out!
May – Tried to make Kool-Aid…..8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets!
June – Tried to go water skiing….. couldn’t find a lake with a slope.
July – Lost breast stroke swimming competition….. learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!
August – Got locked out of car in rain storm….. car swamped, because top was down.
September – The capital of California is “C”….. isn’t it?
October – I just Hate these M&M’s….. they are so hard to peel.
November – Baked turkey for 4 ½ days….. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!
December – Couldn’t call 911….. there’s no eleven button on the phone!!!

Wow…… What a year! Best wishes to everyone fora great 2014!