Posted By Marti on April 25, 2013

In one week, I will go in for surgery. Going to get my uterus roto-rootered out to get rid of the growth and excess lining. Maybe get a buff and wax while I’m there.

I was so relieved when all of the biopsies came back as negative for cancer. The tests were numerous and painful as I had bits and pieces scraped, sucked out and chopped off, but the pain fades – slowly, like a bruise, which I’m sure I had, but I am not flexible enough to bend down and look up my hoo-ha.

I was overwhelmed with the responses when I first mentioned the doctor saying those ugly words, “It might be cancer.” Friends old and new jumped in to wish me well, say prayers, and should worst come to worst, asking to inherit my vast collection of unique high heels.

Photo Credit: Reverse High Heels

(Ha! I haven’t worn high heels in over 20 years and these shoes would KILL me.)

So I wanted to say “Thank You!” to everyone. Your prayers and good wishes worked! I’ll let you know how the surgery goes and ask you to keep me in your thoughts for a good outcome. I hope someone does something hilarious but non-lethal so I can blog about it.

Category: Humor | 6 Comments »

Posted By Marti on March 16, 2013

I have Irish heritage on both sides of my family. When I questioned my father once about it, he laughed and said, “Yeah, our ancestors lived in Ireland – until they threw them out!”

I never knew if he was kidding.

Anyway, I looked up the History Channel explanation of St. Patrick’s Day, and thought I’d share.

The Snake
It has long been recounted that, during his mission in Ireland, St. Patrick once stood on a hilltop (which is now called Croagh Patrick) and with only a wooden staff by his side, banished all the snakes from Ireland.

In fact, the island nation was never home to any snakes. The “banishing of the snakes” was really a metaphor for the eradication of pagan ideology from Ireland and the triumph of Christianity. Within two hundred years of Patrick’s arrival, Ireland was completely Christianized.

Who Was St. Patrick?
St. Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland, is one of Christianity’s most widely known figures. But for all his celebrity, his life remains somewhat of a mystery. Many of the stories traditionally associated with St. Patrick, including the famous account of his banishing all the snakes from Ireland, are false, the products of hundreds of years of exaggerated storytelling.

Taken Prisoner By Irish Raiders
It is known that St. Patrick was born in Britain to wealthy parents near the end of the fourth century. He is believed to have died on March 17, around 460 A.D. Although his father was a Christian deacon, it has been suggested that he probably took on the role because of tax incentives and there is no evidence that Patrick came from a particularly religious family. At the age of sixteen, Patrick was taken prisoner by a group of Irish raiders who were attacking his family’s estate. They transported him to Ireland where he spent six years in captivity. (There is some dispute over where this captivity took place. Although many believe he was taken to live in Mount Slemish in County Antrim, it is more likely that he was held in County Mayo near Killala.) During this time, he worked as a shepherd, outdoors and away from people. Lonely and afraid, he turned to his religion for solace, becoming a devout Christian. (It is also believed that Patrick first began to dream of converting the Irish people to Christianity during his captivity.)

Guided By Visions
After more than six years as a prisoner, Patrick escaped. According to his writing, a voice—which he believed to be God’s—spoke to him in a dream, telling him it was time to leave Ireland.

To do so, Patrick walked nearly 200 miles from County Mayo, where it is believed he was held, to the Irish coast. After escaping to Britain, Patrick reported that he experienced a second revelation—an angel in a dream tells him to return to Ireland as a missionary. Soon after, Patrick began religious training, a course of study that lasted more than fifteen years. After his ordination as a priest, he was sent to Ireland with a dual mission—to minister to Christians already living in Ireland and to begin to convert the Irish. (Interestingly, this mission contradicts the widely held notion that Patrick introduced Christianity to Ireland.)

Bonfires and Crosses
Familiar with the Irish language and culture, Patrick chose to incorporate traditional ritual into his lessons of Christianity instead of attempting to eradicate native Irish beliefs. For instance, he used bonfires to celebrate Easter since the Irish were used to honoring their gods with fire.

He also superimposed a sun, a powerful Irish symbol, onto the Christian cross to create what is now called a Celtic cross, so that veneration of the symbol would seem more natural to the Irish. (Although there were a small number of Christians on the island when Patrick arrived, most Irish practiced a nature-based pagan religion. The Irish culture centered around a rich tradition of oral legend and myth. When this is considered, it is no surprise that the story of Patrick’s life became exaggerated over the centuries—spinning exciting tales to remember history has always been a part of the Irish way of life. )

Category: Special Days | No Comments »

Posted By Marti on February 14, 2013

I am spending my 36th Valentine’s Day with my husband. At least 36 in this lifetime but I suspect we have been soulmates for eons, because nobody could know me as well as he does from just one go-around.

We’ve known joy and sorrow, good times and bad. We’ve seen our children born and our parents die. We’ve done things I will never tell you about, but wow, sure were fun.

Our life isn’t perfect, but no one’s is. If somebody tells you their life is perfect, they’re lying. Others may have wealth or fame, but money can’t buy you love. Rent it, maybe…

But we are happy. We are together 24/7 and leave the bathroom door open. That’s true love.

So on this Valentine’s Day, I send my husband, the light of my life, my love and devotion.

And for everyone else:
Valentine’s Day Gift Joke

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetie for Valentine’s Day. As they had not been dating very long, it was a very difficult decision. After careful consideration he decided a good gift would be a pair of gloves.

Accompanied by his sister, he went to the store and bought the gloves. His sister purchased a pair of panties at the same time. The clerk carefully wrapped both items but in the process got them mixed up. The sister was handed the gloves and the young man got the panties.

The young man mailed his Valentine’s Day gift with the following note:
This special Valentines Day gift was chosen because I noticed you are in the habit of not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she prefers short ones that are much easier to remove. These are a lovely shade, the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and they looked quite lovely. I wish I were there to put them on you for the first time; no doubt, other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow on them lightly before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I’ll be kissing them in the future. I hope you’ll wear them Friday night for me.

PS. The sales lady says the latest style is to wear them folded down with just a little fur showing.

Category: Humor, Jokes, Special Days | 2 Comments »