Author and Blogger, Marti Lawrence

Ebooks by Marti Lawrence available through Amazon

  • River of Possibilities, ebook, Kindle. novel by Marti Lawrence
  • 7 ways to screw up your life by Marti Lawrence
  • humor, klutz, Queen Klutz, Marti Lawrence, Ebook

Dog and Cat Thanksgiving

Posted By on November 30, 2014

Human: I’m going to sweep the carpet before our guests arrive.

Dog: Bark! Bark! I will protect you from this snarling beast, m’lady! (Attacks vacuum cleaner.)

Cat: Ack! That thing is loud and is going to eat us all! Every beast for themselves – run for your lives! (Hides under bed.)

Doorbell rings.

Dog: People! People! Oh boy, oh boy, people! (Runs to lick guests.)

Cat: What fresh hell is this? I detest people. I shall take my leave. (Hides under bed.)

Dinner is served.

Dog: It all smells so wonderful! I am starving! Please, oh please, drop some tiny scrap for me!

Cat: (Sniffs air, approaches cautiously.) No foie gras? I shall take my leave. (Hides under bed.)

Human: What a delicious meal, let’s go sit by the fire.

Dog: (Brings multiple toys to humans.) Can we play? Huh? Huh? Whaddya say? Please, please please?

Cat: Why do you taunt me with moving red dots and feathers on strings? (Vomits on floor, hides under bed.)

Human: Let’s watch “A Christmas Story” now!

Dog: Oh boy, oh boy, I love that movie! Can we snuggle? Huh, huh?

Cat: That tired old schmaltz? I keep waiting for someone to get their eye shot out as promised, but it never happens. I shall take my leave. (Hides under bed.)

Grumpy Cat Thanksgiving

Halloween Humor

Posted By on October 31, 2014

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn’t know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief
will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a
pirate.

Very truly yours,

Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk’s habit. The long robe will cover your
wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

Very truly yours,

Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the company and another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass.and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,

Acme Costume Co

caramel apple

September 11

Posted By on September 11, 2014

Never Forget

The Day the FBI Photographed my Boobs

Posted By on August 29, 2014

Make Love Not War

Here’s a story from my hippie days that should brighten everyone’s day.

Somewhere deep in a storage room in Washington D.C. there may be pictures of my boobs.

It was 1971 and the war in Vietnam was still going on. College campuses across this great land had protest rallies to shout and demand that we get our troops out of there.

Ah, the innocence of youth.

So I joined a large contingent of teenagers in a university courtyard to listen to folk singers and speakers filling our young, impressionable minds with anti-war sentiments. Then the rumor spread.

Someone said that there were men in suits on top of the nearby building taking photographs. Word swept through the crowd that they were FBI agents and you would end up with a “file” if they could identify you.

“Quick! Cover your faces!” shouted one of the speakers. Some were carrying protest signs, so they shielded themselves with their placards. A few girls had purses and clutched their clutches at head-level.

The rest of us were doomed, until…

“Pull your shirt over your face!” was the advice passed through the crowd.

So I did. Flipped the hem of my T-shirt up over the top of my head, obscuring my features.

I was not wearing a brassiere.

And thus, the once-perky twins may have been photographed and cataloged by the government of the United States. :-)