Author and Blogger, Marti Lawrence

Ebooks by Marti Lawrence available through Amazon

  • River of Possibilities, ebook, Kindle. novel by Marti Lawrence
  • 7 ways to screw up your life by Marti Lawrence
  • humor, klutz, Queen Klutz, Marti Lawrence, Ebook

Geezer Easter

Posted By on April 21, 2014

Hope all of you had a delightful Easter!

When I was a little girl, Easter was a pretty simple affair. I woke up to a small basket of goodies – a single chocolate bunny (hollow, and in a very ungodly way, I envied those who got solid chocolate) some jellybeans, maybe a Peep or two. I was not allowed to eat any of it until after church though so I wouldn’t get messy. I admit, was a sloppy chocolate eater.

Then came the outfit. A pastel colored dress, usually made of fabric stiff enough to stand on it’s own. It had a built-in nylon net petticoat that itched like the dickens but wriggling in church from the scratchy fabric was sure to earn me a frown from my mother. I am now required by Southern law to add “God rest her soul” since she is deceased and that is what we Southerners have to say, even if we don’t mean it.

Sometimes there was a hat, but I am not good with hats. They tended to get sat on or lost despite the most valiant efforts of God-rest-her-soul mother who tried hairpins, ribbons and other attachment devices that inevitable failed.

After church I was allowed to eat some candy, which was the highlight of the day. (Sorry Pastor, but the sermon was usually tedious for a waiting-to-get-home-to-eat-chocolate child.)

Then I grew up and had children of my own.

Somewhere along the way, Easter morphed into an “event.” Now it was like Second Christmas replete with presents – usually video game related for all of our youngens. The baskets had a plethora of candy – chocolate bunnies, Peeps, Cadbury eggs (one or two of those didn’t make it into the baskets, but were hidden away in my private reserve.)

We colored eggs (and fingers and much of the kitchen.) We tried different egg projects. There were shrinky-dink wraps that were easy to use but if you got the pre-printed sleeve misplaced, the drawing got warped into weird, terrifying designs and the plastic wrap shrank and formed an anus.

Not pretty.

The baskets for the children were always stuffed with that shredded green cellophane stuff that sticks around way longer than the candy. If there is an apocalypse that only leaves the cockroaches on Earth, they will rebuild their world with plastic Easter grass.

But now I am old. There are no small children here, so no Peter Cottontail hoppin’ down the bunny trail. If anything went hippity-hoppity in my house now, breakity bones would likely be the result.

I still love chocolate though, so the day AFTER Easter is our holiday. The day we go to the chocolate store and pick up the delicious treasures now marked down to half-price.

Welcome to Geezer Easter. No egg hunts, no baskets but lots of goodies a day late.

And a Peep show.

Peep Show

Wi Fi Foe Fum

Posted By on March 26, 2014

I smell the blood of an angry mom.

The gremlins got me. The little boogers attacked the device that delivers the internet through some sort of magic that I do not fully understand. The device got hot. Not in a good “Oh that’s hawt” kind of way, but in a “WARNING! BATTERY CRITICAL!” kind of way.

Then it died.

Wi-Fi Network Name

We use the internet a lot. There are youngsters who game on it, oldsters who read news on it and me, who pays the bills, orders medications and maintains her sanity by chatting with her friends on it.

Then it was gone.

The device is ancient in tech-years. Any device is outdated almost as soon as you take it out of the box, and our device was unboxed years ago. Were it a person it would be gray-haired,using a cane and wearing Depends. This meant it was not a simple replacement. But if we didn’t replace it with a similar device, our current plan would be lost and we would be thrown in to the hellish situation of data limits.

So we ordered a hard-to-find replacement. And waited. We were sad. We were angry. We pretty much went through the seven stages of grief.

1. SHOCK & DENIAL
I picked the device up at least a thousand times. Tried removing the battery and plugging it back in until my fingers bled. “It will work this time. Surely it will work,” I told myself. It did not.

2. PAIN & GUILT
WHY ME? Did I mistreat the device? Did it grow weary of such constant use? Could I have polished it or bought it a new cord to keep it happy?

3. ANGER & BARGAINING
Dammit, work you GDMFSOB! Please?

4. DEPRESSION, REFLECTION, LONELINESS
It’s never going to work. I will die here and no one will know because I have lost all connection with the outside world. I am alone.

5. THE UPWARD TURN
Say, there’s that book I’ve been meaning to read. Hey, it’s kind of nice to just watch the TV without feeling like I need to share my thoughts on Twitter or Facebook.

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH
OK, it’s not the end of the universe. Nobody died.

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE
The store called, the replacement will be here soon. I’m going to live! As God is my witness I will blog again!

Mother Nature is Angry

Posted By on February 28, 2014

Man, I am so tired of winter. I think Mother Nature hates all of us humans and is trying to kill us.

Blizzards to the east of me, drought to the west of me and I’m stuck here in the middle with ewwww. (Icky weather). Yes, we are forecast to get snow, sleet and freezing foulness raining from the sky this weekend.

Again.

How cold is it where you are? Here’s a guide:

+60 F (+15 C) Californians put on sweaters.

+50 F (+10 C) Miami residents turn on the heat.

+40 F (+5 C) You can see your breath. Californians shiver uncontrollably. Minnesotans go swimming.

+35 F (+2 C) Italian cars don’t start.

+32 F (0 C) Water freezes.

+30 F (-1 C) You plan your vacation to Australia. Minnesotans put on t-shirts. Politicians begin to worry about the homeless. English cars don’t start.

+25 F (-4 C) Boston water freezes. Californians weep pitiably. Minnesotans eat ice cream. Canadians go swimming.

+20 F (-7 C) You can hear your breath. Politicians begin to talk about the homeless. New York City water freezes. Miami residents plan vacations further south.

+15 F (-10 C) French cars don’t start. You plan a vacation in Mexico. Your cat insists on sleeping in bed with you.

+10 F (-12 C) Too cold to ski. You need jumper cables to get the car going.

+5 F (-15 C) You plan your vacation in Houston. American cars don’t start.

+0 F (-18 C) Alaskans put on t-shirts. Too cold to skate.

-10 F (-23 C). German cars don’t start. Eyes freeze shut when you blink.

-15 F (-26 C) You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo. Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects. Miami residents cease to exist.

-20 F (-30 C) Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you. Politicians actually do something about the homeless. Minnesotans shovel snow off roof. Japanese cars don’t start.

-25 F (-32 C) Too cold to think. You need jumper cables to get the driver going.

-30 F (-34 C) You plan a two-week hot bath. The Great Lakes freeze. Swedish cars don’t start.

-40 F (-40 C) Californians disappear. Minnesotans button top button. Canadians put on sweaters. Your car helps you plan your trip south.

-50 F (-46 C) Congressional hot air freezes. Alaskans close the bathroom window

-80 F (-62 C) Hell freezes over. Polar bears move south.

-90 F (-68 C) Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.

I don’t know if humans are causing this, but I remember this old commercial warning us that it’s not nice to fool around with Mother Nature.