Author and Blogger, Marti Lawrence

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  • 7 ways to screw up your life by Marti Lawrence
  • humor, klutz, Queen Klutz, Marti Lawrence, Ebook

2014 Blonde Year in Review

Posted By on December 31, 2014

January - Took new scarf back to store…… it was much too tight.

February – Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels…… bottles won’t fit in typewriter!

March – Really got excited….. finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months….. the box said “2-4 years”!

April – Trapped on escalator for hours….. power went out!

May – Tried to make Kool-Aid…..8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets!

June – Tried to go water skiing….. couldn’t find a lake with a slope.

July – Lost breast stroke swimming competition….. learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!

August – Got locked out of car in rain storm….. car swamped, because top was down.

September – The capital of California is “C”….. isn’t it?

October – I just Hate these M&M’s….. they are so hard to peel.

November – Baked turkey for 4 ½ days….. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!

December – Couldn’t call 911….. there’s no eleven button on the phone!!!

Wow…… What a year!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Dog and Cat Thanksgiving

Posted By on November 30, 2014

Human: I’m going to sweep the carpet before our guests arrive.

Dog: Bark! Bark! I will protect you from this snarling beast, m’lady! (Attacks vacuum cleaner.)

Cat: Ack! That thing is loud and is going to eat us all! Every beast for themselves – run for your lives! (Hides under bed.)

Doorbell rings.

Dog: People! People! Oh boy, oh boy, people! (Runs to lick guests.)

Cat: What fresh hell is this? I detest people. I shall take my leave. (Hides under bed.)

Dinner is served.

Dog: It all smells so wonderful! I am starving! Please, oh please, drop some tiny scrap for me!

Cat: (Sniffs air, approaches cautiously.) No foie gras? I shall take my leave. (Hides under bed.)

Human: What a delicious meal, let’s go sit by the fire.

Dog: (Brings multiple toys to humans.) Can we play? Huh? Huh? Whaddya say? Please, please please?

Cat: Why do you taunt me with moving red dots and feathers on strings? (Vomits on floor, hides under bed.)

Human: Let’s watch “A Christmas Story” now!

Dog: Oh boy, oh boy, I love that movie! Can we snuggle? Huh, huh?

Cat: That tired old schmaltz? I keep waiting for someone to get their eye shot out as promised, but it never happens. I shall take my leave. (Hides under bed.)

Grumpy Cat Thanksgiving

Halloween Humor

Posted By on October 31, 2014

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn’t know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief
will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a
pirate.

Very truly yours,

Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk’s habit. The long robe will cover your
wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

Very truly yours,

Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the company and another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass.and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,

Acme Costume Co

caramel apple

September 11

Posted By on September 11, 2014

Never Forget