Author and Blogger, Marti Lawrence

Ebooks by Marti Lawrence available through Amazon

  • River of Possibilities, ebook, Kindle. novel by Marti Lawrence
  • 7 ways to screw up your life by Marti Lawrence
  • humor, klutz, Queen Klutz, Marti Lawrence, Ebook

Bread and Whine

Posted By on February 28, 2015

Blizzard panic shopping

It is mandatory if snow is forecast, you must go to the store and stock up on everything, particularly bread, milk and eggs.

Because who knows when you’re going to have an emergency that requires French toast?

So of course I went to the store because hey, I don’t need THAT on my permanent record.

My basket overflowed with commodities, paper goods, liquor and the obligatory bread, milk and eggs. I got in line. Of course it was the wrong line.

How does it happen that with multiple cashiers available, I got behind the slowest, most annoying person on the planet? Just my luck I guess.

She appeared to be a young, healthy woman, yet she unloaded her basket as if there was a gravity storm directly below her cart, which somehow, caused each item to weigh ten times its normal weight. The item would be hefted onto the conveyor belt for its lonely trip to the cashier’s hand as the cart unloading was slow enough that a single item was scanned and bagged before the next item came out of the basket.

It was agonizing to watch.

I wanted to jump in and grab items in her cart and fling them onto the conveyor belt. I am a fast basket unloader. It’s grocery Tetris in my world. . . pull stuff out of the cart, load and shuffle the arrangement on the conveyor belt, get 75 items into a square foot of space. Move, move, move! Get ‘er done!

Not Slow Sally, the shopper I was stuck behind.

After an eternity, her cart was empty, her items were bagged and the cashier was smiling through gritted teeth, awaiting payment. This seemed to surprise Slow Sally, who has apparently never transacted business in the real world before. The cashier repeated the total due. She stared blankly at him, finally snapping out of her stupor and opening her purse.

Oh dear God.

She SLOWLY pulled out tissues, sunglasses, a hairbrush and I’m not sure what all else because I went rage-blind around that time. At some point she finally found her wallet. Then she had to decide which card to use. She had a monologue with herself about how much credit was left on the various accounts. At last she picked a card and just as it was almost swiped, she paused, and muttered the horrible words, “Oh, I have coupons.”

My life flashed before my eyes.

Of course there was no way to back out because I had Tetris-loaded enough supplies to get the Donner party to California. So I waited, took several deep breaths and looked longingly at the liquor bottle wedged between the milk and bread.

When I got to the car, husband said, “What took so long?” and didn’t understand why I clutched the steering wheel so hard it bent.

Terrible Analogies

Posted By on January 31, 2015

*He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

*She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

*The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

*McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.

*From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and “Jeopardy” comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.

*Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

*Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.

*Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

*He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

*The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

*Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like “Second Tall Man.”

*Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

*The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

*John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

*The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

*His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

*The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.

2014 Blonde Year in Review

Posted By on December 31, 2014

January - Took new scarf back to store…… it was much too tight.

February – Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels…… bottles won’t fit in typewriter!

March – Really got excited….. finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months….. the box said “2-4 years”!

April – Trapped on escalator for hours….. power went out!

May – Tried to make Kool-Aid…..8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets!

June – Tried to go water skiing….. couldn’t find a lake with a slope.

July – Lost breast stroke swimming competition….. learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!

August – Got locked out of car in rain storm….. car swamped, because top was down.

September – The capital of California is “C”….. isn’t it?

October – I just Hate these M&M’s….. they are so hard to peel.

November – Baked turkey for 4 ½ days….. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!

December – Couldn’t call 911….. there’s no eleven button on the phone!!!

Wow…… What a year!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Dog and Cat Thanksgiving

Posted By on November 30, 2014

Human: I’m going to sweep the carpet before our guests arrive.

Dog: Bark! Bark! I will protect you from this snarling beast, m’lady! (Attacks vacuum cleaner.)

Cat: Ack! That thing is loud and is going to eat us all! Every beast for themselves – run for your lives! (Hides under bed.)

Doorbell rings.

Dog: People! People! Oh boy, oh boy, people! (Runs to lick guests.)

Cat: What fresh hell is this? I detest people. I shall take my leave. (Hides under bed.)

Dinner is served.

Dog: It all smells so wonderful! I am starving! Please, oh please, drop some tiny scrap for me!

Cat: (Sniffs air, approaches cautiously.) No foie gras? I shall take my leave. (Hides under bed.)

Human: What a delicious meal, let’s go sit by the fire.

Dog: (Brings multiple toys to humans.) Can we play? Huh? Huh? Whaddya say? Please, please please?

Cat: Why do you taunt me with moving red dots and feathers on strings? (Vomits on floor, hides under bed.)

Human: Let’s watch “A Christmas Story” now!

Dog: Oh boy, oh boy, I love that movie! Can we snuggle? Huh, huh?

Cat: That tired old schmaltz? I keep waiting for someone to get their eye shot out as promised, but it never happens. I shall take my leave. (Hides under bed.)

Grumpy Cat Thanksgiving